Love With Abandon

My True Dream

I had five weeks until it was time for Judge's House. Five weeks to prepare a song better than the ones at Boot Camp.

But there was one problem.

I couldn't do anything. Whenever I thought of anything besides of sleep and relaxation, it was like my head was spinning, like it was being crushed, squeezed, with many others taking up my space, leaving no breathing space. It felt like my mind was on overdrive. What I needed was a break.

That day, I decided to go for a run; something I hadn't done in a long time. After barely a quarter mile, my lungs, my legs started complaining, and I realized how out of shape I was, conidering I was running barely the speed of a brisk walk.

I looked down at my thighs peeking out of my shorts. As usual, they looked more like elephant legs than human legs. Jiggling whenever I walked, this was one of my insecurities. Although I was normal for my weight range, my body was disproportionally distributed. My arms were stick skinny, and my torso so small you could count all my ribs, and I had a perfect woman's six-pack. My blindingly pale complexion didn't help either. My almost blue skin just made me look more lazy and nerdy, and they didn't go that well with my plain, brown locks, or my dull gray eyes. I had a scattering of swollen pimples dotted along my forehead, and my scars from years of intense eczema didn't make my skin attractive.

It made sense as to why everytime my mother looked at me, it was a look of disgust, as with my brother and father. It made sense why Bryan couldn't stand being with me. The only person I remember truly loved me, aside from what I though was love with Bryan, was my older sister, Sarah. Being the smart girl she was, she ran away from home when she was only 16, me being only 9 years old. I remember the fights that erupted for years. She had the bravery I wish I possessed. She faced the world head on, changing what she thought was wrong, by rebellion, not afraid to face the consequences. I had always been the shy girl with the perfect record, never being grounded. I remember the admiration that shone in my eyes as she did what I wished I could, when she did something that helped others, changed the world for the better, the love for me that she made so palpable. I remember the way Mom and Dad would tell her how much of a failure she was, as they did to me.

I was happy for her when she left. I understood why she couldn't take me with her, why we never heard anymore of her, even eight years later.

My dear parents didn't bother going after her, believing Sarah would come back, begging on her knees for them to take her back. But she never did. They never did understand that no one would go back, let alone begging. Even if they had to work at a strip club. Even if they had to spend their days as a refugee, sleeping in their car, constantly living in fear of sexual abuse.

By the time I got back to the car, I was panting hard. My lungs were screaming for oxygen, my heart pumping hard. My face was red, and sweat was dripping down my body.

Going back to the past helped me organize my thoughts. I remember Sarah once told me something a few days before she left, and for some reason, it haunted me today, like an unspoken whisper.

"Be careful. Make sure the person you love loves you back, or you'll be paying a high price. Love is a great thing when found, but if it isn't love, it costs more than a million dollars; your heart."

Back then, I thought it was Mom and Dad she was talking about. Now, looking into the clear blue skies that were the same Colorado as her eyes, I realize something else had happenned that caused her to flee. Something like what happenned to me with Bryan.

I sat up. I knew what song I was going to sing for Judge's House. It was the same song that brought my favorite band, Fifth Harmony together. I was singing "Impossible" by Chontelle.