Love With Abandon

Confusion

"White Horse" was written for me.

Of course, not literally, but it might as well could have been. It met everything my life was going to. Of course Bryan had never apologized, but it was my dream. I didn't know why; it was just a silly, naive dream. I knew even if he did, I could never forgive. I was over that. I wasn't going to let people get close to me just because I was desperate for a friend, for someone to listen to me. If anything, in the past few months, I learned to stand up for myself, to be myself, and not to get intimidated by others.

Having him apologize was just a childhood dream. A silly one, and one that made no sense whatsoever. I guess it was a hope, a hope that a romantic cliche would come true. For a while, I had loved Bryan. I still had feelings for him, even if it wasn't like before. I was lost with him; a state between love and mistrust. Ever since the day my life turned around, the day he ran away with the blonde bimbo, the day I started breaking away from who I was and becoming who I am, I was confused. Having a fresh start means new morals, new ideas, new influences. I was a newborn, eager to learn, yet not knowing who I was, who didn't understand the principles of the earth. I didn't know who to trust, who to blame, who to love. That was what a baby without a mother had to love with.

I had more of the neccessities I needed in my new life than I did in my last. In my small, perfect town of Accord, I had no one, except a boyfriend who turned out to be a phony. Here, I had Variations. I had Taylor, and it seemed like I maybe even had Liam.

***

Backstage, people were messing around, and having a good time. It was rather loud. Me, being the nerd I am, sat in a relatively quiet corner, and started working on college applications.

I was faced with a question I couldn't answer:

Who are you?

Who was I? I honestly didn't know.

"Why so serious?" a familiar voice said.

Chills crawled up my spine.

"Bryan."

"Hey."

For once in my life, I felt strong. I felt like I could stand up for myself. I felt like I could take more than the few scraps offerred to me by others.

"Leave," I said, surprised by my forcefulness.

His cocky smile fell. "Listen, Angie, I'm not looking for a relationship. I was drunk, I was seducted-"

"That's no excuse," I replied coldly.

"I know, and I'm sorry. All I'm asking for is your forgiveness. You can ignore me for the rest of your life. I just... can't go on knowing I hurt someone. Please?"

"You're not forgiven."

"Angie-"

"What do you need?" a chilly voice came from behind me. Liam.

Bryan, with his calculating green eyes, looked from me to Liam, studying us. "Nothing," he finally said, and he left.

"Who's that?" Liam asked with a sharpness I had never heard before.

"My ex. He cheated on me, about two days before my X-Factor audition."

"That son-of-a-bitch." His voice was hard, and cold, like ice.

"I don't know, he seems, almost differrent. Softer, somehow."

"Well, just remember, once a cheater, always a cheater." Something vile was dripping from his mouth. I could feel the acid dripping from his words.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing."

Something in that one word made me fall.