Love With Abandon

Ready???

I awoke lying down in a plush, orange couch with about ten people surrounding me, each fanning me with a magazine, a camera following my every move.

"What happenned?" I asked weakly.

"You fainted. What happenned?" Taylor responded, a look of deep concern etched into her face.

"I don't even know."

"When was the last time you ate or drank?"

Crap... "Ummm, I'm not sure. I thought I ate this morning."

Taylor saw right through my facade.

"I guess it was just nerves then," I lied smoothly.

"All right. Everyone, back to the waiting room, everyone that has already went can go home if they want."

I was just about to reach the door, when a Taylor's voice stopped me. "Angelica, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah," I replied, suddenly scared of what she was going to tell me.

"First off, I know you think you messed up your audition, but it was great, right up until you fainted. I know you are succeeding from an eating disorder. I did too, when I was about fourteen, and I.managed to hide it from the media. It's also why I am known for pigging out."

I stared at her, dumbfound. It was hard to believe that Taylor, kind, skinny, beautiful Taylor, was insecure of herself. She was who every girl looked up to.

"I thought I was eating. I don't remember eating, but I thought that was because of the stress," I explained, "I don't think I'm starving myself on purpose."

"Angie, do yourself a favor. Go and find a therapist. I want to, but I can't mentor a girl that faints everytime she's onstage. I don't know what caused you to be so insecure and shameful, but you need to find you," Taylor declared.

Once again, I agreed. I needed to find myself, underneath the years of worthlessness. I needed to find a beacon of light, guiding me through the darkness until the sun drew across the horizon. But I wasn't prepared to take the risk that the light would go out, leaving me as lost as ever.

That was what ruled me. Fear. I was so fearful of fear, that I couldn't even live my own life the way I should, so fearful of it that I wouldn't allow the roots of my fear to happen.

But what I realized was that I was only fearful of one thing.

Love.

***

Back in my van, I drove to the nearest McDonalds, forcing myself to eat a McChicken Sandwich, and large fries. It wasn't the best food I've tasted. The grease felt like cotton on my tongue, making me gag, the chicken rough against my throat.

At one point, I had to run into the bathroom and crouch over a toilet, waiting for the puke to come out.

Maybe I was succeeding through an eating disorder. Maybe, subconsciously, my horrendous figure got to me, and subconsciously, I stopped eating. One thing I did know; I couldn't afford to get proffesional help. It would have to be resolved on my own.

Forcing the last pieces of French fries in my mouth, I left the restraunt, making my way to the van. Suddenly feeling the urge to do something, I started up the engine, and drove around.

Once again, I found myself in the place where I nearly died from cutting. Only today, I didn't see it as a place where the land was ridiculously peaceful, where the world wasn't ever that beautiful, ever. Today, it was simply a place where the world came to a stop; a place where the animals were alive and merry, where tall mighty trees stood their ground, through the centuries, growing more gnarled and wise with every passing day. A place where the flowed through the rocks, clear as crystal, and the grass, even in the October weather, was brilliantly green and dotted with white daisies.