The F5 (Fraternal Five)

Happier

"Hey New, I've been thinking ...."

"Oh, I don't like where this is going." From his desk, New sighs.

"Hey, I haven't even begun!" Tay protests.

"No but it's always better when you don't think."

"Hin ...!" Tay whines. "Say, what becomes of us when it's all over? You know, when it becomes too much of a burden for you to make space for me in your life, and too real for Nong Gun to enjoy being around Off."

"Wow, you've so much faith in your friends." New chuckles bitterly.

"Nah because I always thought of our relationships as fleeting. Y'know? It scares me how sudden it happened. Like it's not meant to last."

"Okay—you know what? Let's have you stop thinking, what about that?" New gets up and moves to capture Tay's lips in a kiss, but Tay dodges at the last second.

"No but nothing lasts forever! And when that time comes, what then? I, for one, don't think I can go back to what we were."

"So don't." New sits next to Tay on his bed, taking his hand and squeezing it a little. "Te, we're not supposed to move backwards."

"I just ... really dread the time when we have to say goodbye." Tay sighs. "I really miss Singto. We're one fifth empty without him. What about when I have to let everyone go? Even you, Hin. Especially you." Tay looks up to New, eyes lost and frowning. "How am I supposed to live? Will I just be an empty shell of who I used to be?"

"You move on, Te. That's how. You meet new people and you let them in, to fill the emptiness left by, uh, us." New forces a smile. "People come and go. That's life, Te."

"Will it hurt you when I find someone new?"

New shakes his head firmly, no matter how much it hurts him just by imagining that. But it'll hurt him more if Tay couldn't move on when he's long gone. "No. I just really want you to be happy, Te."

Tay takes his time thinking. "And you? Will you be happy, with Kik?"

"Happy, I can try. Happier, never." New flashes Tay a genuine smile. "I love you, Tay. The way I can never feel about her. I'm a bad boyfriend most of the time but I can at least promise you this. Even as we don't speak to each other anymore, know that you'll live in me. Forever."

Tay sighs smiling in relief. "And that's all I need to go through all of this."

"But yeah, do call me once in a while."

Tay beams. "I will. Let's meet over a coffee."

"Or a one-night thing."

"Hin ...! You'll be married by then!"

"Oh loosen up a little, Tawan! I was never the good guy to begin with."

"Huh, true .... Off and Nong Gun, too, let's all meet even when we each have a life of our own."

"What about the others? You only care 'bout them two. Won't you be, like, three fifth empty?" New asks in a mocking tone.

"Because! We'll be brokenhearted old men while they're going places!"

"Huh. That's oddly specific." New frowns at his boyfriend's weird perception he can never understand. "Anyway, that's enough cheesiness for a whole year. Now fess up! Where did this come from?"

"I just want to hear you say you love me." Tay replies cheekily.

"Liar."

"And on that note, I love you, too, New."

"Did you just—I didn't even ask."

"Yeah, but I wanted to tell you."

"Yeah, okay, thank you. And?" New moves on flatly.

"That's one heartless reaction! Oh, my poor heart ...." Tay squeezes his left chest to emphasize.

"Te. Stop talking nonsense and answer me."

Tay inhales slowly. "Off called me this morning."

"Yeah? What about?" New furrows his eyebrows, a dreading feeling fills up his stomach.

"He thought ... he's in love."

"OMG."

Tay meets New's gaze, an unspoken understanding floats between them: Gun won't be happy hearing this.

*

"...So yeah, I'm doomed."

From the other side of the line, Singto chuckles. "You tell P'Tay and me but not Earth? Why?"

"Because while they've moved in together, Earth never said he loved Mix. Yet. I don't want to make it awkward or even worse, force it out of him."

"Err ... I don't remember saying I love Kit to you, too."

"You're engaged! What kind of lunatic proposes to some guy he doesn't love?"

"Huh ... make sense. So P'Tay loves P'New, huh? OMG, that's huge."

"Hey, hey! It's not about Tay, okay! Sheesh."

Singto laughs. "Just ... wow. P'Tay. To P'New. Wow."

"OK. I'll tell him to call you then."

"P'Off, wait! I'm kidding!" Singto laughs heartily. "Seriously, your feeling is just as huge."

"No—I don't need validation, okay? I need advice on how to lay it on him."

"What about, don't?"

"Sat." Off chuckles. "That hopeless, huh?"

"P'Off, do you remember that night, when I asked you to check on Kit?"

"Yeah, why?"

"There's something I didn't tell you back then. Not purposely, but because I didn't think it's related. Turned out that's the main reason Kit acted that way."

"Okayyy ... what is it?"

"I kinda might've casually asked him to move in with me if ever I get a job here."

Off frowns. "I ... don't think I understand—"

"Kit beat himself up because he didn't feel like going."

"Uh—"

"P'Gun was the one who encouraged him to think that it's not his fault to turn me down."

"But is it, though? His life is here—his family, his friends, his whole career—and you want him to throw it all away, for you?"

Singto is silent for a good while. "I think ... P'Off, it'll be hard, but it's not hopeless."

"I'll take that." Off chuckles. When Singto doesn't respond, he asks, "Hey, you still think Kit should follow you there?"

"No, it's stupid because I haven't got a job anyway, but it did make me question a lot of things." Singto's voice gets quieter by the second. "I'd do the same for him, P'Off. My home is where he is."

"Ai Singto. It's a big life decision. If he's not ready, you can't make him. BUT! That doesn't mean he loves you any less. Okay?"

Singto chuckles weakly. "Thanks, P'Off. I'll take that, heh."