Warren Family

The Fear of Life

Lorraine

She is falling, her eyes shut. I quickly lower as she pulls me down loosely with her. I grabbed her just before the floor gets hold of her. "Anna sweetie, your okay, I've got you." The doctor came up behind me, placing his finger on her neck. "Mam I need you to move and let go she isn't breathing, and I need to start CPR immediately."

"WHAT?"

"This isn't time for questions." He pushed me back as Anna laid out flat on the floor. He began pushing on her chest. I felt my body fill with water as it burst out of my eyes. My baby girl is dying right in front of me, and I can't do anything to save her. Anna, please don't leave me. Oh Lord, please help my little girl. He continued to push down on her little chest. The nurses came to his aid bringing a breathing mask and placing it over her head. I froze as I watched it all happen. "Mam, Mam, are you alright?" A nurse shook me violently.

"My baby girl"

"We are phoning for an ambulance to take her to the hospital is there anyone you would like me to inform?"

"Her father."

"His name?"

"Ed. Ed Warren."

"The ambulance will take you and your daughter. She will be alright Mam she just needs the medical attention."

"Is she going to die?"

"No, she will be okay; we have got her breathing again, and blood is going around her body as normal." When did she start breathing again? I am a terrible mother for not witnessing my own Childs' breathe. The nurse pattered my shoulder as she tried to convince me everything was alright. My child has just died right in front of me now; one can convince me otherwise that she is okay. I want to hold her. She will want her mom. I need Ed. I held my cross in my hand as I wrapped it around my wrist.

When the ambulance finally arrived, we got rushed to St Vincent Heart centre. Once they had hooked Anna onto all of the machines, I was finally left alone with my baby girl for the first time in what felt like hours. I held her hand as I sat on the chair beside the bed. Tears running down my face. I laid my head on the bed at the side of her hip as I tried to process what was happening. I don't remember closing my eyes, but Ed put his arms loosely around my waist as the clock hit 4 pm. I stood up and threw my arms around him, sobbing onto his shoulder.

"Lorraine, I'm here now. Don't worry anymore. I've got you, Hun." Judy came behind me and put her arms around me as well. I turned around, bending to her height as I moved a piece of hair out of her face. I gave her the biggest hug as she cried. I didn't know what to say to her; I couldn't even tell her it was okay because I didn't know that. As I pulled away, Judy went around the other side of the bed to the other seat and sat by her sisters' side, holding her hand. I turned back to Ed; I felt safe in his arms. As he kissed my forehead, the doctor came into the room.

"You must be the Warrens. I'm Dr. Lomax, I will be examining your daughter while she is with us."

"Do you know what's wrong or what happened Dr?"

"Well Sir it seems that your daughter suffered a mild heart failure. Which was possibly caused by a huge raise in her heart rate and blood pressure. From what I understand you were visiting the GP?"

"Yes my wife was taking her to the GP as she has been hyperventilating in her sleep."

"Right, does Anna suffer with any panic or anxiety disorders?"

"Not to our knowledge."

"Right the first tests I am going to run are simple as we don't have much communication with Anna as of yet, just MRIs and CT scans for now just to make sure that nothing else in her body is or has been affected by the incident. Once she has come around I would like to discuss the idea that your daughter suffers with serve panic disorder. I will explain that when we get to it but for now, I would like you all to rest as we run these first few tests."

"Dr is Anna going to be alright?"

"Yes Mrs Warren she will be absolutely fine, she is in the right place." As the doctor left, a weight lifted from my shoulders slightly. Ed placed his arms back around me and rocked me slowly as I let my heart out on his shelves. I felt so guilty for not being strong for either of my girls, but I couldn't hold back the waterfall inside of me.