BOMBS AWAY ➤ kaz brekker

healing

Healing is a slow process. In that way, the saying time heals all wounds is true - but some wounds take eons to close. 

Esther was deeply wounded, both her heart and her skin burning to ashes. She would survive -  that was what Nina kept telling Kaz. He would believe it when he saw her eyes open. Hope was a futile thing when Esther wasn't around to instill it in him. 

Not only was Esther injured, but so was his Wraith. Nina had her hands full looking after both of them, trying to keep them from the brink of death. Inej had woken yesterday, but she was clearly in pain. Her walk was stiff and her breaths were short, and Kaz had to wonder if what he had planned for the Ice Court was going to work.

Kaz avoided everyone. What point was there in speaking when a sliver of emotion might slip through? At a time when his crew was at its weakest, he needed to be the strongest. Fear, anger, both were unnecessary distractions. He set about hardening his heart, rebuilding the barriers that Esther had torn down. 

While Kaz appeared fine to the rest of the Crows, only more hostile (if it was possible), Nina was struggling to stay afloat. When Inej had woken, it had been an enormous relief, and not only because her friend wasn't going to die. Trying to keep one alive was hard enough, but with two of their number in constant need of help, she was missing out on sleep, and food. She needed food. She hadn't had a good waffle in forever. 

And yet, Esther continued to lay still, dead to the world. Nina had done her best, piecing the flaking pieces of skin back together, but Esther would be scarred down the left side of her back and the upper half of her left arm. Nina would continue, trying to alleviate the damage done, to hide most of the scarring, but there wasn't much she could do. She ignored the logical part of her that told her Esther was as good as gone. Her cause was lost. She had to continue, or she would never see Esther's sunny smile - nor would Kaz. And Nina saw how much he needed that smile.

But after the fifth day, there was nothing to do but weep. Esther's breaths were shallow, barely taking in air. With every unconscious inhale, a slight scraping sound filled the wooden room. It was the sound of doom to Nina. She didn't want to have to tell Kaz that Esther was a goner. She didn't want Esther to be a goner. She so desperately wanted to believe that Esther would survive, but only the Saints could bring her back now.

Esther was dying, and she knew it. She burned all over, she felt the remnants of the damage done to her by that explosion. Flashes of fire burst across her vision, the smell of smoke and something darker. Her ears rung. 

She was on a table, limp and flat against its surface. She pushed herself up, taking deep breaths. Her arm and back burned, in the most literal meaning of the words. She was on fire. She watched the flames dance up and down, blue at their center, performing a slow ritual. Slowly, they faded away, leaving smooth skin.

The room was filled with swirling shadow, dark creatures that crawled along the walls and across the ceiling. One bared its teeth at her, and she bared her teeth back. The demon didn't scare her - she was well past that point. Whatever this strange other realm was, it was not her own.  Am I dying? she thought. 

Yes you are, you idiot, she answered herself. Seeing no point in waiting around for someone to come in, she got up, finding her legs surprisingly strong. In fact, the burning sensation that had overtaken her earlier had died out with the flames. Everything felt strangely impermanent, like it would crumble to dust if she took another step. She stepped forward anyway. If the world around her fell away and she went down into the abyss, then so be it. She reached out for the doorknob, but the entire door disappeared before she could lay a hand on it.