A Court of Scars and Shadows

How to Love

"I have a lot to say...I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever cost you. I want to tell you," he ran his hand through his hair. "I want to tell you everything," he couldn't help but laugh at that statement. He doesn't like talking, much talking about himself, but with Gwyn he feels the need to spill his darkest secrets, knowing he could trust her. Hoping he could trust her.

Gwyn gave him a puzzled look at his laughter. "I don't normally speak about myself," to that Gwyn gave a small smile. He wanted to her smile brighter.

He let out a deep breath and started. He went over how he grew up without love and how he never truly loved someone. He went over his time with his horrible father and how he drew up without light. He talked about the Illyrian camps and becoming brothers with Rhysand and Cassian; how he despised being Illyrian. He went over his time being a spymaster for Rhysand's father and then Rhysand. After he finished talking about what he has done, started to talk about Mor and Elain.

"There was a time, where I pined over Mor. Five centuries of pining and my feelings were never reciprocated. When I finally moved on, I got attached to Elain, she felt the same, but I wasn't allowed to act upon it. I'm glad I wasn't able to act upon it. When I met you, a part of me always knew I think. You always sparked something in my chest when I saw you, I was just oblivious to realize what it meant. When you first went to the Spring Court, I went crazy. All my thoughts were off you, you occupied my mind and I did not mind one bit. When I saw you again after you turned into your beast for the first time, that's when it all clicked. My mate, was all I thought."

Azriel saw Gwyn's reaction, recalling the memory, how he stumbled and looked shocked.

"I wanted to tell you at first, but I didn't want you to feel pressured. You still didn't feel comfortable around males and I didn't want to trigger anything. I also wanted to court you.

But you asked me to be the one to stay. So I planned to tell you after a while of staying with you. Then I had to go and fuck it up.

Those months separated, they worse than when you first went to Spring. My shadows were barely around and I felt like dying." Delicate tears were slowly making their way down Gwyn's face.

"And when I felt you kiss Lennan through the bond, the pain was almost too much. But I was proud of you, proud that you were giving love a chance, even if that meant it wasn't with me," Gwyn's eyes flickered with guilt, but Azriel shook his head. "I don't think I'll ever forget what I did afterwards. I knew the pain one felt when their mate was with another, but I still decided to bed someone else." He looked at her, gaze unwavering, to get her reaction.

She seemed to take in his words and everything clicked. But her eyes didn't hold fury only sorrow, making Azriel feel worse. "I thought about rejecting the bond after that.... because I'd already caused you so much pain without even accepting it. But you heard me sing and you changed my mind again."

"I was going to tell you later, and later never happened. It was too late. But we were given a second chance. I want the chance to court you, to mate you, if you allow it. I want to be the one to you trust to hold your body, to spill your own secrets. I want to be your weakness as you are mine. I grew up without knowing what love was, grew up with only darkness as my friend, but I want to know how it is to truly love someone with you. I want to know what it is like to have someone to help me with the darkness. I want you." Gwyn's mouth was slightly parted, her shoulders were shaking slightly as more tears streaming down her face. "If you allow it of course," he added and that snapped something in Gwyn.

She looked at him with puffy eyes and Azriel held his breath in for what she would say. He had laid himself bare for her. He would do it again, no matter what she said now. Her eyes sparkled with adoration and reverence and something else.... acceptance. He let out the breath and her shadows wrapped around them both. He chuckled softly and he knew that he had some tears streaming down his face.

Unexpectedly, Gwyn threw her arms around Azriel. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she placed her head on his chest. Ever so carefully he wrapped his arms around her back. Her scent calmed all his worries and he was tempted to stay like this for eternity. He ran a hand gently down the length of her spine.

"I can't accept the bond just yet," she said muffled against him. His hands stopped the movement and he tensed up. Had he read her wrong? It was entirely possible since her side of the bond was closed, but her emotion had shown on her face, hadn't they?

"I want to be courted. I'm not ready for what comes with the mating bond," she clarified and he relaxed. He took the hand from his spine and started running it through her hair.

He couldn't help but smile. "I'll gladly court you Gwyneth Berdara. However long it takes."

"I want to know how to love too."

———————

They kept silent for the rest of the time in their embrace. Gwyn apologized for flipping him and he laughed it off. He couldn't tell her that it had turned him on.

When they pulled away, they stayed wandering the garden, hand in hand. His insecurities of his scarred haven't vanished completely, but the Queen from the other world had helped him. She had told him that the healers in their world were talented enough rid scars. Told him that she could take him to them.

While he decided on the offer, she had told him how she had wore her old scars proudly before they were wiped away.

His scars didn't disgust him as much anymore, but the reminder of him tainting his mate still scurried along his mind.

"I'll have to return to the Spring Court," she said sadly.

"I'll return with you," he answered quickly. He could not, would not be separated from her so quickly after returning. He would tell Rhysand that much.

"Tell me Shadowsinger," Gwyn mused as she took in the different color roses. "How will you High Lord react to that?"

"I don't care how he will react, I'm not leaving you anytime soon," he responded possessively. Gwyn stared up at him with such an intensity, that it took much restraint not to grip her face with his hands and claim her mouth.

"I'm hurt Az, truly I am." Gwyn and Azriel broke their intense gaze and glared at said High Lord who was leaning against the doorway of the patio.

Was I interrupting something again? the mischievous tone in Rhysand's voice was nothing short of innocence.

Fuck off, Azriel growled and Rhys's brows raised in amusement.

Gwyn cleared her throat. "We were just going to ask you for your opinion."

Azriel looked at her in shock. "I don't need his opinion when it comes to going somewhere with my mate."

Gwyn just glared back. Azriel smirked and he could see her glare faltering at the sight of it. This would be fun courting.

It was Rhysand's turned to clear his throat. "I have no problem with Azriel leaving to Spring Court. He might as well get acclimated to it. For if you end up accepting the bond Gwyn and become High Lady, you could make him High Lord."

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Azriel hadn't thought about that. And apparently neither had Gwyn. Rhysand had briefly filled him in on Tamlin and how he was doing with the collar. Although he appeared healthy with the collar on, if the collar isn't removed, Gwyn would soon take place as High Lady.

"Anyways," Rhysand continued despite the shocked pair. "I'll leave you two love birds alone. I'll see you at the next family dinner." He walked back inside, leaving the pair alone.

Azriel swallowed, his throat dry, but he managed to say, "Shall we go?"

"Wherever you go..." Gwyn responded.

A/N: Hello readers! Thank you reading we almost reached 5k!! This is small update, but I promise that the next update will be longer.

This being said, after this next update, I won't be able to update for the next week. But after that and my schedule will be CLEAR! Thank you again!!