summer '91 // damon albarn x reader

XIII. bisschen

1st of march, 1985.
9:11am.
damons house.

damons pov.

bloody wanker. i know he is going to drug her until she is head over heels for him. i knew fred is the type of guy to do that. i know. i know. and now everyones turning the world against me for trying to protect y/n. fred is a horrible guy, and id be the first one to know that. he was never a true mate, he always lied, talked shite about me, but when i was with him it would all just disappear. does y/n even fucking care? id like to get into her pretty head, just to see if shes fucking dead inside or something. is she dead from the neck up? was she forced to take the drugs? and it would amuse me just to see how she feels about me after that night. oh to get into her head.

i go over to the telephone, and try to memorise the fuckers last two digits. was it 25 or 27?... going with a gut feeling, i dial the 7 last. its dialing. but, shit, i dont know what to say... all i know is he wants y/n. i just know, and he better not forget who got her first. "alright? whos this?" fred replies. i dont answer. like to keep him scared. "hellooo...? y/n? is it you? stop joking round, doll." fred says. doll? DOLL? who the actual fuck is he calling doll?! "what you wanna be is what i am. how you want to feel is how i feel. who you want to have i already have." i say, monotoned. "dames?- agh come on lad do-" before he could finish, i hung up. i am tired of life. i fuck everything up, she fucks everything up. it may seem like we arent made for eachother, but we are.

when i was with her my life was amazing. i felt needed, loved. like i had a purpose. she made me feel ways that i cant even explain. i tried writing songs about the way she made me feel, but i cant ever put it into words. but at this point, all things remain like this, so why try again? if she wont even look at me with those loving eyes anymore. she looks at me with anger, hate. nothing loving, nothing that ive felt with her before. the phone starts ringing again, it was fred calling back i assume. i take the call, but before i could hear a single sound, i hang up, just to mess with his mind. y/n is not his doll, she isnt his, she isnt mine either. but she cant be with fred. she just simply cant.

your pov.

i dont need damon, i dont need alex, i dont need anyone worrying for me and controlling everything i do. he had the fucking audacity to check my pockets? yell at me? who does he think he is? he was the one who lied first. he was the one that made me cry. fred just wants me to be his friend, the kiss happened cause we were high. theres nothing more to it... or am i denying the fact that i like fred? i like fred. i do like him. ill snog him, shag him, get high with him all i want, and i dont want anyone saying a word about it.

i feel like i have bigger things to worry about, though. i have a german test tomorrow. and i dont want to fail this like i fail everything. i lock my door, and get my german notebook out. im not the studying type- but i get by with my grades somehow. i keep looking up to see the polaroids of me and damon. and then i look down. i had no time to take them off of my wall. i had no time to cry. i had no time. i just had time to learn. try to at least better my marks before anything else. i flip through my pages, landing on the most recent thing we learned. from the corner of me eye, i see something blue and red on the page, i turn my eyes to it.

in red pen stood "ich liebe dich - dames x" and in blue pen stood "ich liebe dich auch! xx - y/n". i sigh. everywhere i went, everywhere i looked, it followed me. our past love has been stalking me, following my every footstep. i take out a pen, wanting to cross out both messages, but i stopped. dont i want to keep this? like i just wanted to keep the photos a second ago? think, y/n. your best friend since childhood or some new guy you snogged? think. for. fucks. sake. make. your. mind. up. please. you. dont. know. what. you. want. think. think. think.

i cross the "auch!" and replace it with "-, aber nur ein bisschen.", putting my good german skills to the test. i slightly smile at it. i can never hate damon. not in a million years. his intentions are good, but im always too fired up to notice. he does really want the best for me. i just will never get it, i guess. man, i should really apologise to him sometime soon, or we will never talk again. i start hitting myself repeatedly in the head. DO YOU HATE HIM OR DO YOU BLOODY LOVE HIM? DO YOU WANT TO LET HIM GO OR ARE YOU STILL IN LOVE? YOU KNOW DAMN WELL IF YOU SAW HIM WITH ANOTHER BIRD YOUD REACT THE SAME WAY HE DID TODAY.

fuck. fuck. fuck! fuck!! FUCK!! make up your mind for once!!! drugs? love? damon? fred? single? taken? enemies? what do you want. what do you fucking want?! are we made for eachother? does he think we are made for eachother? are we supposed to hate eachother or something? do i need him? love him? like him? want him to crawl all over me? want him to kiss me? want him to marry me? what am i doing wrong? what are WE doing wrong? and... whats fred doing wrong?.... im pretty fucking sure hes a good guy. damon is just jealous. am i mad that hes jealous? am i surprised that hes jealous? do i like the fact that hes jealous?

and just like that, i forgot i needed to study. i try to shake the thoughts off, although some crumbs of it seem to be left in my mind. i should just study, ignore anything that has to do with love at all. i dont need that bullshit. i seriously dont... who the fuck am i kidding though... i like them both. so much. but y/n! studying! studying! study! focus! damon! albarn! fred! cd! christmas! first kiss! my mind couldnt think about one thing at a time. and why? cause everyone and everything has been fucking me up. but if i get a good mark on this, who cares? im good at german then. just study, its worth it, unlike wasting your time on boys.

it was quite easy, studying. i played some of my favourite cds and tried focusing on important things instead, i just had to remember that im a teen, and life is crazy then, im not making any major choices, not until im eighteen at least. and i hope it stays that way, i just hope... drugs, malboros, fred, damon, graham, alex, dave.... who fucking cares? my choices to make. i love who i love and i do what i do. no one can tell me anything. im me. ich bin ich.

hoffentlich geht es irgendwann besser für mich.