The Goldfinch (Fanfic)

I - Chapter 9 "The Lonely Pet Bird"

 "If you could say it in words, there would be no reason to paint."

_Edward Hopper

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I

We were on our way home, and I sat close to Simon. He was very quiet since that morning's incident. I wasn't quite sure what to call it, but it was a little bit awkward though it didn't give me some sort of guilt. Sometimes I made occasional glances, but my head was always postured straight into the rows of the bus, there was nothing in there but pure boxes of emptiness.

It was those times when I questioned the outcome of Simon's kiss, my longing for Boris, and my myself in particular. At least I knew I wasn't a fag, I mean when always I jerk off while thinking of girls, my porn habits were always straight.

I wanted to confront Simon. But I couldn't.

II

During that night of the same day I couldn't sleep, I badly wanted to see Boris, but I didn't know what to do or should I call him or whatnot. I knew he was probably with his girlfriend at that time. Who knew? if he'd already drop out from school, I'd felt he became less and less interested with school, or at least that was my intuition. I seldom saw him in the premises.

The night went deeper, and my insomnia worsen, I just kept on staring at the ceiling of infinite darkness. I wondered why sometimes the past is pretending to be the future, why it gives us strength to move forward but It cast spells that prevents us from seeing our paths. What happened to me on the years of Las Vegas wasn't always the things that I treasured. But sometimes, in life, we were too occupied to look for stones in the midst of diamonds.

III

On the last day of that school week, everything seemed normal until I bump with Michelle in the hallway.

"hey Theodore, party at my place this weekend. You are absolutely invited!"

"oh cool, who's coming?" I asked for the sake of curiosity.

"pretty much everyone, I guess. Is there anything wrong with that"

"oh nothing" I just lowered my eyes on the floor.

"you haven't got problems with anyone? haven't you"

"oh no, totally cool, I'm just curious, I'll be there"

The day went on and during the break I didn't feel like going to the common areas, I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to be alone that time. I kept meandering down the halls and found myself in entering the library. I scrolled down to the halls of books and suddenly I came across of the book which bring back memories of my Mom. It was the book about Dutch art which she kept from childhood, she wanted to visit museums with real paintings when she was young but couldn't afford to do so. Having been raised in rural Arkansas didn't help much either. She kept telling me about that favorite painting of hers, "The Goldfinch" by Carel Fabritius, it was about a lonely pet bird chained on its leg and perched on a plain sunny wall. I kept scrolling through the pages and there it was, the watchful bird staring at me. One page dedicated to the bird. The whole painting shed its light and on the right side the bird stood, one right leg exposed and seemed resigned in its awful condition. A since of bleak acceptance of its fate. Yet it stood and look at me dignified without apologies. It was that painting that my mom kept telling me about, even on the early stages of her cancer she always wanted to go with me and see the painting two years prior. At that time the painting was on tour and on that auspicious year it was in New York. She tried to be strong and optimistic, but she didn't make it. When the art exhibition was drawing in, she was in worse condition that she had to be intubated. She even asked me a to go and see the painting myself when the the came but I decline, I said didn't want to leave her at the hospital. Or to be honest I wasn't interested in that painting that much, or any paintings in particular. In the pages of that book I saw the lonely pet bird again, inside the boring library of a rotten school, in arid Las Vegas.