The Goldfinch (Fanfic)

I - Chapter 11 "Unhealthy Obsessions"

"And it's inside myself that I must create someone who will understand."

_Clarice Lispector

I

Boris and I woke up covered only with sheets, the white dirty sheets with layers of our saliva, sweat and dried fluids from the other night. He was hugging me tightly; I could feel the warmth from him and myself in him. We were only topless, we still wearing the same jeans, though both him and myself were unbuttoned from what we did the other night. There a dried fluid from my bottom splashed everywhere through my torso. It shocked me so I immediately got up and went the bathroom whilst Boris still laying there. I wash myself and put on my clothes. I remembered everything that happen the night before, it was both clear and not clear. I was hoping and not hoping for it for a very long time. And it did happen, but when it happened, I was concerned. Did he do it because he wanted it? Or maybe because he was drunk and probably high. I wasn't so sure. How could I be so sure. When I came out of the bathroom and went back to my room, he was up and looking at me.

"Potter, what happened last night?

I was astounded, at the moment, I didn't know how to react. Should I tell him the truth? Or should I lie, Or maybe the half-truth. I just proceed and said.

"I saw you yesterday on my way home, you looked trashed, so I carry you here and let you sleep in my bed"

Boris looked at me in a confused dazed, he looked around confused, and then smiled crookedly. And looked at me again.

"ahhhh, yeah last night! we had party! not boring party! the other ones!"

"what other ones? what are you talking about?"

"the ones with not one your friends! your boring friends!"

"Boris, to be honest, I don't know what the fuck are you talking about"

Before I said any further, he just slumped back and go to sleep. And it left me in a depth thought again. So, I was right after all, I'd thought to myself. It wasn't a big deal for him. He didn't even remember it. It was just a game for him, out of drunkenness or being high from some pill, I wouldn't even know, worse, he wouldn't even know. 

It was my first time. First time that I was enjoying meself with someone.  I was happy that it happened, but it was nothing special for him, that's why it bothers me. The flesh in me was satisfied but my inner self wasn't. It was empty. Maybe because it Boris didn't care, maybe he was not conscious, maybe it was a game for him cause he's drunk.  I knew I wanted something, something more, I wanted more. I wanted to become someone for him, to be someone and to be recognized by the gaze of Boris. At that moment I began to question my value for him, maybe it wasn't worth pursuing for? And knew that I would end up with me being destroyed with my unrequited feelings for him. 

I left outside for a walk while he was till there sleeping, I reckoned it's better for me to go and distract myself than to wallow with my misery. When I'm back, by that time he'd be gone. 

II

The next day, I was hanging round the canteen at lunch and Mich suddenly tapped my back. I couldn't help but noticed, it seemed to me that there's something bothering her.

"how you doin?"                     

"not good, there's something I got to tell you"

"what?"

"remember Chris?"

"yeah, what about him? I remember you told us him being creepy"