A Scientific Match

Chapter 1: The Love-U-Lator 6000

"Test log number 5089. Love-U-Lator 6000. So last version of my perfect match invention did not appear to work and gave false positives. I've reworked my equations and built it again completely. I'm not going to get Marlene's hopes up again to test this, so instead I am running said test using my own DNA sample."

Kowalski ran a cue tip over his tongue and dropped it into the machine. He pressed a few buttons and sighed.

"I'll admit, I doubt it will work. As Private says, science really shouldn't meddle with affairs of the heart...But it would be nice if it did work. Not to admit that I'm lonely...but I am rambling to a tape recorder," he grumbled.

He shook his head and pressed a few buttons on his contraption before picking up his tape recorder again. He watched as the screen showed nothing.

"So far my perfect match is nonexistent. Expanding parameters to outside of Central Park."

The screen remained empty.

"I'm starting to realize a potential flaw with using my own DNA for this test. There is of course the possibility that...that I don't have a match and should have used the DNA of someone more...normal," he sighed and clicked another button. "Extending parameters to outside of New York."

Nothing.

"Extending parameters to outside of the Mid-Atlantic region..."

A small heart shaped blip appeared on the map. His heart skipped a beat and for a moment, he was speechless.

"A p-possible match is showing along the New Jersey shoreline..."

He turned off the tape recorder and just looked at the map. As he could see it, he had two options. He could follow the map and see who his invention thought would be his perfect match... Or he could just turn the map off and forget this ever happened. As Skipper would say, nothing good ever came from New Jersey.

However, this was Kowalski of course.

So, he took the travel module from his device and waddled out of the lab. He glanced at the bunks and was pleased to see that his teammates were sleeping. He then quietly hopped up the ladder and gently shut the hatch behind himself.

Momentarily it crossed his mind how many rules he was breaking. A slight smirk crept upon his beak. Of course, he would be back before Skipper would wake in the morning so no one would know about his gallivanting. Like usual.

How many times now had Kowalski left the HQ alone after lights out? More times than he could even recount. Skipper had noticed a couple of times, but made the mistake about asking him about cameras. It wasn't long after that he did a bug sweep of his lab and found the cameras. Of course, he technically left them alone... but not without adding a remote implemented loop recording function. After all, if Skipper was allowed to keep secrets from the team, why couldn't he? Skipper was his commander during working hours...but during free-time, Kowalski liked to think he was his own commander and Skipper's rules were just...aggressive suggestions.

Kowalski opened the garage and hopped into the little zoo coup. One of these days, he was going to have to either upgrade this car with more leg room, like the planes, or just construct another vehicle altogether with adjustable seats. He sighed, and propped the Love-U-Lator module on the dashboard as a GPS.

Could he have slid to the location? Perhaps. But Seaside Heights was already nearly two hours away by car. He had no urge to discover first hand how long that would be by physically sliding. He wanted to be back before dawn after all.

And so he drove. Alone. In the dark. With the radio cranked up so he could hear it over the sounds of the interstate and sing along.

As he approached Seaside, he turned off the radio and found a place to hide the coup. He would continue the rest of the way with more stealth...Why exactly he felt the need to be stealthy, he wasn't sure. Maybe it was just from his nervousness, or perhaps Skipper's paranoia was starting to rub off on him.

He glanced at the module and adjusted his path accordingly. It was not long until it led him to the Casino Pier, a beach boardwalk amusement park. All of the lights were off and the fence was locked, so it must be after midnight. He looks again at the module.

"Well, this makes no sense. What sort of animals would live here? Squirrels and pigeons? Raccoons?" He shook his head. He had a hard time imagining himself with typical city fauna. "Maybe instead of a Love-U-Lator I've invented a squirrel tracker...But what that would have to do with my DNA and why it would lead me to a squirrel in New Jersey when I know we have tons of squirrels back in New York, I have no idea. This makes no sense."

Kowalski leaned against the fence and looked around. He had bet this would be another failure. He had just wasted his time driving to New Jersey.

And got his own hopes up for nothing.

He then stood up straight as he heard a noise. He glanced around for a place to hide and then slid into a bush. He swallowed back the panic he felt constricting his chest, watching between the leaves as a lobster shaped shadow crawls by.

A lobster shadow?

Kowalski's eyes widened. If there were lobsters around this amusement park, then that could only mean one was one of Dr. Blowhole's lairs. Suddenly, this experiment became both more dangerous...and more interesting. Perhaps his invention was not leading him to a squirrel after all.

He couldn't see himself dating a lobster either. But if Dr. Blowhole had a platypus agent, who was to say that he didn't have any other agents? Maybe his potential match was here after all. But should he really continue this solo mission now that it had led him to a secret lair? Probably not. But he had already come so far and now was so close to his scientifically proclaimed match...No. No, he was going to risk it.

He silently followed after the lobster, keeping to the shadows. For once, luck was in his favor and the lobster did lead him to an entrance. He darted into a doorway and checked his Love-U-Lator. He was getting closer. He leaned his head back against the wall and took a deep breath. He then peeked around the corner and, seeing the hallway clear, slid out in the direction of the heart blip on his module. He rounded another corner and slid directly into a lobster.

"Oh sorry, this isn't the way to the Ferris Wheel is it? I must have made a wrong turn," he said as he scrambled back. "No need to set off any alarms or anything, I'll see myself out."

"Sorry, but I can't do that. Kinda in my contract and all," the lobster said as he pressed the button.

"I wish you hadn't done that," Kowalski grumbled before swiping the legs from under the lobster and knocking him unconscious. "I'm not here to fight, but I will if I must." He dragged him out of the walkway before continuing to slide along the hall. He darted from doorway to doorway and shadow to shadow as he followed the GPS.

"Kowalski?"

He froze as he heard the voice behind him. He slowly turned his head and looked at Parker. He smiled the largest, sheepish smile he could muster. "Hehe...funny meeting you here. I was-" he was quickly cut off by a toxic spur to the side.