The Truth About Love

CHAPTER 10: COLLEEN

I'm mentally exhausted. Literally the last month has been nothing but chaos, and particularly these last few days.

Mom being home, dads little fit of hysterics that he thinks I didn't see, this journal, my relationship with Martin and overall this huge weight on my shoulders that's been getting heavier as the clocks ticking. It's almost like it is my duty to solve the puzzle that is my mother dearest.
But I don't even know if I want to.

I'm so mixed up about all of this and I have no idea how to feel.
It's been two days since I saw my father having the 'moment,' I like to call it, with my mother. It's been two days since I read up on her life.
It's been two days since I accused her of purposely torturing my father.
And it's been two days since I've Idecided to call it quits with this plan until I have any other reason besides my own curiosity to continue.

I can't go on this journey for myself anymore because my heart can't tame the feelings I have for her.
The problem I'm having here can be rationalized in one word. Ambivalence.
I'm conflicted. And I don't want to be conflicted. I want to hate her, but I find myself wanting to love her every time I turn a page in those stupid journals of hers.
I'm so angry at her.
She raised me from a distance. Never let me see the strong woman who is obviously in there somewhere, who I needed so much.
She's also breaking my fathers heart right now.
And most of all, she left me with a question I may never get an answer to. What about me?
So I want to hate her. Despise her.
Then I read some of her words, And I found that I adore her.
She was a beautiful misfit. An eccentric, chaotic, individual who shined brighter than anyone I have ever encountered.
I wish to be her. I wish to walk along side her. But most of all I wish to meet her.
So I also want to love her.
I just can't do this all to myself anymore.
But none of these rationalizations help with the weight on my shoulder that won't let up. I need to push it aside and learn to live with it. But nothing works.

So, I do the one thing everyone I know does when they are under too much stress and can't deal with the world. I drink.
My mother has been hiding her sadness behind a tall glass of wine for as long as I can remember.
My father has come home from work, pulling at his tie on the way to the liquor cabinet almost daily since I was a child.
Even Aunt Marisol comes parading through the door with a bottle of tequila in her hands, shaking with anger on some nights, to hash it out with my mom.
C'mon, I even answered the door to Martin, just three nights ago reeking of booze and cigarettes.
It's my turn.

Delilah came home this morning and said she'd take me to the local bar for some much needed sister time. She was meeting her friends, and said it would be nice if me and her went a little earlier so we could enjoy the rare time we get to have with one another.
I told her "as long as we don't mention the word 'mom' one time, I'm down!"
She looked at me sympathetically, and gave me a tight squeeze, having no idea that this avoidance isn't due to heartache. Like I said, ambivalence.

So here I am sitting in an overly crowded bar in a part of town I would never step foot in, wearing a tiny, navy dress, and of all things straight hair!
Delilah said there was no way anyone would believe I was of age wearing my hair in a heap of curls and in my normal jeans and t-shirt. She even put some makeup on my usual bare naked face. I must tell you this place is nice.
And Delilah made me up enough, so I could fit right in.
Delilah has been a huge help when it comes to getting all of this off my mind. So I don't mind the drastic change in my appearance because she makes things like this worth it.

She really is a star that one. She sings along to every pop tune that plays, and oh god, her voice is like nails on a chalk board. But the fact that she laughs at herself, like she knows it, makes listening worth the irreplaceable damage to my poor innocent ear drums.
She also has been boring me of talk about particles and rays and laser beams. She's a genius I tell you!
She then bores me some more with talk about her life in Conneticuit.
She is going through a lot right now, and says coming to NYU to start her PHD may be better for her, but given the circumstances she may want to stay in Conneticuit. Sometimes big moves aren't what's mentally best, blah, blah, blah. I love her, but let's face it. I would much rather her put aside what's mentally best for her and have her hanging out at home with me.
I literally nod my head in understanding and tip back every shot of the nasty amber liquid she has been pushing my way.