The Truth About Love

CHAPTER 46: COLLEEN

Today is going to be a new day. I stayed up late last night and slept in today missing Martin. Part of me regrets letting him get away and the other part of me hopes he comes back for me. All of me really wishes things were different. There's no way I could get over him or even deal with our breakup in such a short time, but I have to put that behind me for now. I need to deal with my mom. Time is running out. I need to finish these journals and go see her.
The thing is, I already know what happens past this point in her story. And yes it will be nice to know what was in her heart as it progressed, but I still feel like it's not going to be enough closure. I already got out of this what I wanted, but kept reading because there's more to this that I find myself needing. I'm searching for something else. I feel like I have nothing to offer her except my love and apologies, not that she can hear or understand me. But I feel like now I'm a part of her journey, the silver lining, and with that I feel there's some reason that I was handed those journals. Some other reason than just getting to know her and learning to forgive and understand her. I feel like I owe it to her to finish and that when I do, I'll know what she needs from me most. But I need to think first because I missing something else here, I need more.

I decided to go downstairs for a late breakfast and I end up seeing my dad and Aunt Mar drinking coffee at the table. She must have just visited my mother, because her eyes are still puffy and red.
"Hey sweetie," she says when she notices me and my dad turns to give me a warm smile.
And I find that I'm at peace with him when I look at him now. I'm not overly protective, as if he has no faults. I know very well he's no prince now. But I'm also not mad about those faults either. They brought me here.
"What are you guys talking about?," I ask as I pour myself a cup of coffee and sit at the table with them.
"Funeral arrangements," my aunt says boldly, surprising me completely. She's never been so outright with me.
I choke on my coffee a bit as my heart stops, until she says, "Oh God, no, Colleen, she's okay. For now."
I look between them and I automatically know they're not telling me something. Aunt Marisol then places her hand on my father's and nods at him.
He clears his throat, "Colly your mom stopped breathing last night for almost a minute. The nurses are saying it's almost time."
He's now looking at me in the same way he did when he told me my pet rabbit went to go live on that farm when I was younger.
"Maybe it's time you went to visit with her."
I look between the two of them, and can see that they truly feel their time with her is almost up. They also think I'll never say goodbye and get over all of my hard feelings. I feel it too now after last night. Now that I think about it, perhaps I had possibly felt her fading away. And that maybe she felt me holding on. Maybe she stayed for me.
That phenomenon is one of the only things in life that I accept to be true now, although there is no explanation. The connection that exists between the ones you love. I believe now that it can even go further than just a lingering feeling, I think maybe she heard my cries last night. Maybe she knows I still need her, even if she just hangs on a little longer.
"I'm going to see her today," I say firmly. "Probably later this evening."
My dad reaches for me and wraps his arm around me from his chair. He kisses my head, "Your mom loves you Colly. I know things were rough between you two, but she loved you."
"I know."
It's now that Aunt Mar looks at me from across the table, breathing a sigh of relief. She must know that I'm almost done with the journals. She knows that I'm finding my peace with her because of it. That she doesn't have to love my mom and me with separate parts of her heart again. She can tell me stories, tell me how much I'm like my mother, tease me like she did her and give me the pieces of my mother I've been missing my whole life when she's gone. And I'll admit I'm relieved to. I can't imagine what I've put her through for all of these years. Making her be the mother figure I had always wanted, making her listen to me trash talk her only sister, knowing all along we were truly meant for one another. And it's sad that it's too little too late, but my mom did believe everything happens for a reason.