The Truth About Love

EPILOGUE

March 29, 2015

A wise man once told a roomful of passionate students to record their lives in journals.
Told them that it was indeed the only way to 'relive.'
Told them that they may remember the days, but the feelings they experience can be long forgotten.
And that was almost thirty years ago. And one student listened.
She spent years recording her experiences with love. A specific love at that. One that maybe she knew all along would be a love so great it was worthy of being brought back to life.
She was my mother.

As you know, my mother's journals have played a major role in my life, good and bad. But they shouldn't have, and I know that now. That's not what they were meant for. I wasn't supposed to 'relive' them. They weren't created to be some guideline for me to live by. Their purpose was to tell me a story, a story that would tell me some devastating truths. But not just some truths about my mother, truths about so much more. But that was all.

After my mother died and I let Martin go, I went into a dark place. I was optimistic that I wouldn't, that my life would go on, and what was meant to be, moving forward, would be. But I went into the dark place anyways, and maybe that was meant to be. Who knows?

Just like my mother, when I let the man I loved walk away I went down a downward spiral. I drank too much, I acted out and I even hurt the ones I loved in the process. I didn't go to school for accounting, my alternative at the time, since I let Martin do the traveling alone. I didn't go to school at all for that matter. I'm still not in school. I plan on starting part time next semester though. Better late than never.
I stayed home and drowned in self pity instead. I went out nearly every night, I don't even remember most of those nights, in fact. This went on for two years, it may have still been an issue if I wasn't legally forced to change my ways.
I got into a terrible accident, totaled my car and nearly lost my life. I was heavily intoxicated and way over the legal driving limit. Not only was I out for four days, unresponsive in a hospital bed, I also now have permanent nerve damage in my right knee. Luckily I can still walk, but can't yet do strenuous activity without a flare up. So this means I can't dance. May not be able to ever again. But I deserve it.

I was then sent to court mandated rehabilitation, and my father arranged it to be in Conneticuit. We knew someone who could help me there. Cassidy Kovak, Alexander's wife. And she did help me, she still does. I actually live three blocks away from her, in a condo with my father. He sold the house and came to live here, close to Delilah.
He and Cassidy ended up becoming very good friends. I mean, they did have a lot in common, right? Honestly, I think they would actually make a fine couple. But we all know how crazy that would be, so their flirty gestures remain just that, gestures. My dad actually says he plans on taking one of our neighbors out this week. I'm glad to see he is finally moving on after nearly five years.

But anyways, I was in rehab for nine long months. And I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since. It's been almost two years now that I have been sober.

Sobriety and constant therapy, also court mandated, have given me a clearer outlook on life. My life and my mothers particularly. And I learned this, we control our own fate.
Me being fated to follow my mothers footsteps was bullshit. We are simply alike, we love just as deeply and hurt just as deeply. That is all. Her story was only mirroring my story because I let it. I had control all along. I write my own story.

In fact, my therapist would be so mad to hear me say this, but let's just say it was. My mothers story did repeat itself, it was supposed to be my fate. If so, Ive come to believe that I wouldn't have actually been my mother in the story. We were alike, in almost every aspect, but I think my actions were more like Alexander's. While becoming my mother, I was acting like Alexander. And the only way to change that would be to do the one thing Alexander was known for.
Coming back for the one he loves.
I knew to end this cycle and truly put my fate into my own hands, I had come back for Martin. Because he'd always be waiting.
So I did.