The Truth About Love

CHAPTER 42: SAMANTHA

March 3, 1998

These past six months have been quite a ride. A lot has went on, but I'm sure you've had your suspicions.

Let's start with some simple news before I lead you to the heavy stuff.

Delilah has finally caught up in her new school and has even made honor roll in the last semester. I'm so proud of my little genius. She's growing up so fast now, it's hard to believe she's eleven.
I'm dreading the days where she doesn't want to be best friends with her old mom and cusses me out before storming out the door to a boyfriend waiting outside. I hope those teen years never come.
I have a small inkling, and I hope I'm right, that, that stage will pass Delilah. Although I can picture it and I dread it very much, I can't see her being that kind of girl. She surely will be popular in school, she has Alexander's charm and humor, but I'm thinking she'll also have his happy-go-lucky spirit and not be so rough on me.

All I know is I see a lot of that happening in the Logan's house across the street. Poor Darlene Logan and her daughter Tiffany just had it out in the lawn last week, at midnight nevertheless.
So dear god if you hear me, don't let that be Delilah.

I can't see Colleen putting Dan and I through hell though either. Our problems with her will probably be over the lucky boy who sees how special she is. Thankfully we have another ten years.
Colleen has just enrolled in dance class a couple of months ago. And, oh how adorable she is. Her recital is in a few weeks and I can't wait to tell you all about it.
She is a beautiful, meek and graceful ballerina. She loves her dancing and is actually very good at it for a five year old. Her instructors tell me she may even have a future in it.

I love helping her into her different dance outfits and styling her hair. It saddens me that the cute feathery outfits will all be traded in for just tights. But she truly has her heart set on strictly sticking to ballet.
Nonetheless she is breathtaking and growing so quickly.
It breaks my heart.

Dan and me even discussed perhaps having another, and I couldn't help but feel horrible for even considering it. But what followed before acting on our aspirations caused a lot of turmoil.

Here's the dilemma. I now know that I cannot have anymore children. And now the days pass and I watch Colleen hop through the living room, twirling, and I wish I could walk in another woman's shoes.

This news is fairly new.
It is news that broke my heart.
News that broke Dan's heart.
News that even found a way to beak my Alexander's heart.

It all started a few months back.

After three months of blissful happiness with my two favorite men I missed a period. I know, I really should have already learned my lesson.

That's where the drama that circles my life began, and when my heart broke two times.

I didn't tell Dan at the time. I told Alexander. He was in a panic voicing how our reality would be showcased on that 'Jerry Springer' show that's always on television. But he held me in his arms in room 212 anyways, a room we frequented often. Because our affair continued.

We didn't have a plan or any idea of what to do if the baby was his. He even had the audacity to be mad that I was still sleeping with Dan. He said he stopped sleeping with Cassidy ages ago, apparently when women age they also lose their sex drive.
But the fact was, if I was pregnant, it would have had to be Alexander's. The timing made sense.

We thought fate was taking a huge step in making sure we didn't separate ever again.

But then, two weeks later he held me in his arms once again in room 212.
For different reasons. I was told that not only was I not pregnant, but would likely not be able to get pregnant ever again. I had uterine fibroids on my uterine wall.

We then took that as a sign from God that fate can be taken away from the sinners.

So we ended things. And it wasn't for easy. But we both knew our collision was inevitable, and our parting wouldn't be permanent. He'd come back for me one way or another.

I eventually told Dan about my infertility a few days later, and even about my pregnancy scare. The one he had been hoping for. He didn't hold me in his arms while I cried, like Alexander had. He sat me in his lap while listing the many ways we can still be happy without another child running around.
He always seems to be able to break through the pain that surrounds me.
And I will love him always for it.

I spend my days alongside my wonderful husband, watching my two girls grow up. I miss Alexander very much. Not a day goes by where he doesn't cross my mind. There are times when I can't even sleep because the longing is so unbearable. But when I do sleep, I find myself inching closer and closer to Dan in the bed. I don't know why.
Is it so bad that I don't want to know?

Nighty Night

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Hey loves,
Just thought I'd give a short and sweet sediment from Sam.
Hope you enjoyed it. Is love to hear your thoughts.
Vote and comment!
Love you all:)