The Truth About Love

CHAPTER 22: SAMANTHA

October 6, 1986

The seasons are changing rapidly around here. It feels like yesterday was winter and summer was just a few hours ago. The winter coated the city streets with a white layer of hope, while flowers grew and bloomed in the beautiful spring and lasted all through summer. Now we're in the fall and the leaves are scattered everywhere to be blown and swept away.
In another time it would have been a metaphor for my life, but right now things are still going quite right. I think.

Alexander and me have still been staying strong, despite the fact he still refrains from sharing anything about his past life with me.
I don't push him, because frankly it doesn't matter.
I have him and I love him and whatever brought him to me, good or bad, I am greatful.
I know him. I know all of his ins and outs, what inspires him, what makes him tick and best of all without consciously doing so, I know how to keep him loving me.

We spend our days working and our nights making love and listening to music.
We go out for the occasional beer with our friends and even have weekly dinners we host for everyone. I make vegetarian friendly dishes, that everyone scrunches their nose's to, but they eventually scrape the entire plate. We then share stories over glasses of boxed wine and laugh at one another's expense.
It's a new routine I would have never participated in if I didn't have Alexander in my world.
You see, he makes me strive to appreciate the ones I love and reach out to keep them close.
It seemed once I had opened my heart to him, it was also opened to the world and all it has to offer.

I have come to the conclusion that my heart was waiting for him. My soul was searching for something and would have never been satisfied or settled for anything else.
It's as if I've known him in another life and spent this one barely alive until we finally met again.
I've told him this, and he didn't even retreat as if I was coming on too strong.

We were sitting on the couch watching mindless television when I said it.
He turned to me and swallowed his beer and stilled in thought.
He then said, "I agree. I'm more me than I have ever been."
He then pulled me into his arms and put his beer down to run is fingers in my hair.
"Sammy, before you I was in a very dark place. I was sick and I have done terrible things. When Grace was born I saw a glimpse of light, but when I walked into the cafe that day and saw you stacking cups while dancing in place, I saw the sun."
I won't say that wasn't cliche, because I'm glad it was. But it was also heartfelt and true and meant for me.
I looked up at him and said honestly,
"I'll love you forever Alexander Kovak. I will never stop loving you, wherever you are and wherever I am, the biggest part of me will always be with you."
He sighed and bent down to kiss my forehead and told me something I still play over in my head weeks later,
"I'll more than love you forever. I will keep you, and I should be sorry, but I'm not."

I believe I'm a thinker, and I believe the only reason Alexander said those words to me is because he thinks so too.
No matter where he goes I will belong to him. No matter where I go, I will still belong to him. When memories leave us blank and empty, he will keep me. I will always exist to him. When he should let go, he will keep me. I'm doomed to only be his, no matter where I stray. Maybe I'll love again, but I'll never belong to another.
I should be fearful, but I'm oddly content.
What I didn't tell him was that he didn't have a choice, even if he didn't want to keep me I would follow him anywhere. Because I will always keep him too.

"I know you don't want kids, but what about marriage?," I then asked, hesitantly.
"I don't really want to get married, but if I were to get married, the only person I'd promise my soul to for all of eternity would be you."
I laughed, "That's a lot of cleaning your setting yourself up for and a lot of sweaters and shoes to put away."
"Yeah, but I love your messes. I love that you don't match, that you don't fit into a box, that you insist life is just too short to sweat the small things. So what if the bed isn't made? You're just going to mess it again later."

We eventually went back to watching television. He'd occasionally kiss my head or nip my ear, but for the most part we just laid there. I don't know about him, but I didn't watch any of what was playing. I listened to his heart beat and tried to memorize it's pattern so I'd always fall asleep to the rhythm of his love.

Work continued and our days continued after that night. As it did every other night.
Alexander worked on repairs in homes throughout the city, while I cashed checks for people from all over the city. Life was routine, with a taste of something different each day to keep us on our toes.

Dan and I have become very close friends, given the fact we worked closely together. We had lunch together every day in the break room, and some days Jenna and Grace joined us. Rarely did Alexander make an appearance.

One Friday afternoon when it was just Dan and me, a strange conversation took place.
We were talking about Alexander's photos and eventually I had said I wanted to send some to his parents, so they can see how he's doing and how great he is.
Dan choked on his roast beef club, "Yeah, I think the last thing Alexander wants is to open the door to a bunch of officers while standing in his underwear."
I froze, my fork midair, "What?"
Still not understanding my shocked state he continued laughing,
"A great way to start a Sunday morning, Alexander Kovak, your under arrest for robbery and destruction of property."
After pushing my veggie salad aside, suddenly losing my appetite I locked eyes with him and he stilled,
"Shit. Shit, shit, shit! He didn't tell you?! I thought you guys-, oh fuck!"
"What on earth are you talking about Dan?," I managed to rasp out through my dry throat.
"No, please. It's not my story to tell, it's a misunderstanding anyways. Please don't say anything. Fuck, Zander is going to kill me. How did he not tell you about his past Sam? Do you just let anyone move in with you!"
After pushing my chair back, unable to fight the tears cascading down my cheeks, I went to leave. Dan got up from his chair to stop me. While latching onto my wrist he said remorsefully,
"Wait, Sam I'm sorry. But how can you not know?"
I stood straighter and took a deep breath to calm my tears before I responded, "Because whatever it is, which now I feel I deserve to know, I don't need to know. I love him. I've asked him about his past. He said he's done some terrible things, but he's not that man anymore. If I asked him to tell me he would, but I know it pains him, Dan. I don't need to know. I just need him. I accept him for all I don't know, because whatever it is, its not him. I know the real Alexander Kovak."
Dan just nodded. He suddenly understood me and paled at that realization, "I'm really sorry Sam. And if he ever does tell you, know it was all a misunderstanding and that he doesn't give himself any credit. He was never a bad guy, he just had some issues. And he's better now."
I nodded, and before I went to respond, Joan, another teller walked in.
I knew that this wasn't over. But I let it be and say back down to eat my lunch in silence with Joan.
Dan walked out with slumped shoulders.

I knew I needed to confront Alexander. But I left it under the rug, hoping the rug was big enough to keep Alexander's secrets hidden.
Soon enough the rug would have to be lifted, right?

I can't tell you that this admission was something that made my feelings for Alexander change. That would be a lie. I can't even say I acted differently, because that would also be a lie.
Nothing changed.

I continue to love him, if anything I love him more. I admire someone who can be so devoted to me when he's only loving me with what's left of him.

I'll give him the time he needs, maybe he'll tell me on his own.
So for now I wait.

Farewell

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