Needing Closure [✔️]

* T W E N T Y - E I G H T H * * C H A P T E R *

Nearly a month has passed with Atsumu living with you and you couldn't take it anymore. Everyday he showed his devotion and love for you with almost evey action he took. At some point he started kissing your forehead, which you didn't mind. You started giving in little by little and you didn't like it. You no longer called him Miya-sama, you started sleeping with him in your bedroom and you even watched a few movies with him. You decided that you were going to call him out tonight before going to bed.

You changed into your cozy pyjamas after showering. He usually sleeps around the same time as you but fortunately, he was already in bed. You joined him inside and he immediately smirked.

"You never come this early. What's the occasion?" He looked at you.

"We need to talk," you said as you switched off the lights.

"Why did you switch off the lights?" He was nervous.

"I don't want you to see my face," you quietly answered.

"Shit, this must be serious. Alright, go for it," you felt him lift up the covers towards his shoulders.

"You were right," you gave in.

"I was right about what specifically?" He didn't understand.

"All these gestures you did for me like saying you love me or kissing my forehead or just being flirtatious towards me. They made me fall for you again," you explained.

"See, I'm really happy it worked, but I feel like there is more to it..."

"There is. Although it worked really well, my brain will always stop me from getting back with you. I'm not allowing myself to go through what you put me through. You don't understand what happened to me during those times. I felt so undesirable, wondering why would someone leave me when I didn't do anything wrong. I questioned if I had some type of behaviour that turned people away. I would spend hours and hours asking myself if this was just a prank all along, if this was a punishment, or if this some type of moral lesson. I stopped dancing completely because whenever I touched my pointe shoes, all I could think of is that moment when I saw your face smiling at me. It took me two years to stop thinking about you everyday and it took me two years to stop crying at night in my bathroom, asking out loud if you could comeback, even for just one hour. I wanted to hug you, kiss you, tell you how much I missed you and how I'll fix what ever I did wrong in the relationship...it was only this year that I learnt that I shouldn't have ever thought that in the first place. If I didn't do anything wrong then that means it has to be you. This year was the first time I smiled about something that wasn't about you. I didn't think of you as much until now. I don't get it. Why come back now? You shouldn't have assumed that I would wait for you cause I didn't. You made me waste so much of my emotions just for you to tell me you loved me back. It just feels so unfair. You get to comeback and ruin my life without a problem and I have to suffer the emotional pain. Does this feel fair to you? You can smile to me everyday but every time I see it, I'm reminded of how I was back then. It mortifies me when I think of how my body was physically in danger because it. How could I allow one person to have so much power of me? Physically and mentally? And that's when I realised that I must have really loved you so much without even realising it. Whenever I get the feeling that we might get back together, it feels like I'm about to touch my trauma again. I just can't do it," you were trembling with tears.

I can't stop shaking.

"Are you okay?" He softly asked.

"I-I don't know, I can't s-stop trembling," you tried calming down.

"Do you want me hold you? I know what you said back then, but I don't know who to call to help you," he offered as he was worried for you.

"Okay, I-I can do that," you opened your arms and shifted over. He pulled you into his arms and he could feel your body shivering. He stroked your arm back and forth as you were leaning onto his chest. You continued to cry silently in his arms.

"The reason why I left you is because I wasn't ready to get married to you. I wanted to prove you wrong that day but it was too much for me. During my time in LA, I would get drunk too often and sleep with a lot of women. I was really lonely without you by my side. I quit volleyball cause I knew there wasn't anything going there for me. I was way too pessimistic back then, but a little less now. I dated Suzuki Yua because it reminded me of you whenever she spoke about ballet or whenever she stressed about dancing. Now that I think about it , this is disgusting and I'm sorry for using you like that. It ended in two months and after that, it just went downhill. I used my father's money for no reason. I would abuse it during the first year of our 'break up'. I wanted to be happy again and I thought that if I came back to you and acted as if nothing happened, you would take me back instantly. Sorry for taking advantage of your emotions. But then, I realised that your description of the guy you wanted to marry wasn't me. I didn't qualify. I knew you liked successful men and so I decided to get my shit together and only come back once I felt that I was good enough for you. I spent my last four years at UCLA, studying business. Once I can back to Tokyo, I asked my father if I could work at his office and he agreed to it. After a few months, I asked him if I could be the heir to be the next chairman of the company and he said no with no hesitation. He explained how it belonged to Samu. Sure I was mad at him for not choosing me, but then I understood that I haven't proven myself to be worthy. So I decided to make a bet that I could make a deal with your company with my own idea. He agreed to it as long as I got fired once I fail to make a deal. He discussed the bet with your father and he agreed to it with only one condition which was I had to go through you. Long story short, here we are, but it made me realise that I'm just impatient. I forced you to fall for me in one month without taking time for you to recover or get used to me. Everything went according to me instead of us. I was so eager to feel happy again and which I did feel every time you would talk to me. I was so happy to know you still cared about me after what I did to you. This happiness made me realise how much I love you. But this is where I realised that I'm way too toxic for you. My happiness shouldn't rely on you only. I shouldn't only be motivated to become heir to my dad's company just so I could impress you. I shouldn't only be motivated to being a better person just for you. All I did in this year, revolves around your validation which is fucking messed up. I'm sorry for rushing you into telling me how you feel. I know you didn't want to hear my side of the story but I know...this is going to be our last confession. Loving you also means wishing the best for your well being, so that's what I will do from now on. I won't try anything anymore, I will just support you regardless if you fine someone else or don't. I will try my very best not to take advantage of you as I have in the past and I hope we could still see each other. Even just as friends," he sniffed his nose.

"Of course we could see each other. I don't want to let you go ever again. If you ever have a problem, tell me about just like right now. I will always support you regardless if you do find someone else or not. Your well being is something I will always care about. I still love you," you hugged him tightly.

As you hugged him and had your hands wrapped around his neck, you could felt a liquid drip onto your arm. You realised that it was Atsumu tearing up in silence. You didn't want to call torment him out so you hugged him even tighter to let him know that it's okay to be vulnerable with you.

"Can we stay like this?" You asked as you calmed down.

"We can stay like this for as long as you need," he adjusted your body.

"Thank you and good night," you closed your eyes.

"Goodnight Y/N," he responded back.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

|The End|

Author's Note

Thank you so much for reading my book and I hope you enjoyed it.