Killing Carter

Chapter Fifteen - Never Forget

Chapter 15

I shoved my stiff front door open with a smile on my face, the buzz of happiness still warming my body.  I had never met anyone that has made me as happy as he does.  I just wish the timing was right but life isn’t perfect.  We all know that.

I dumped my bag and jacket at the foot of the stairs then moved to stand in the doorway to the kitchen watching my beautiful mum glide about as she made Jay’s favourite meal.  Her hair was twisted up in a messy bun and she was wearing a pretty floral dress like she wore every year for our birthdays even though today no one was a year older.  She strained the spaghetti then turned catching me watching.  “Hey Hun.”  She smiled weakly allowing me to see the tears in her eyes.  In a heartbeat I was in her arms hugging her tight hoping to transfer some of my happiness to her.  She kissed the top of my head and I breathed her in like I used to do when I was a little girl.  She let go holding my head between her hands so she could look into my eyes.  “You look different.”  She said wiping away a tear I didn’t realise had escaped.  “A good different.”

“I’m happy mum.  Is that bad?”  My voice broke.

“Of course Honey.  I want you to be happy.  Jay would want you to be happy.”  She soothed gently rubbing my back the distance between us melting away.

“He would want you and dad to be happy too.”  I told her.

“Speaking of dad why don’t you go keep him company while I finish making tea.”  She said changing the subject.

“Don’t you need a hand?”  I said looking around at the pile of dishes that needed washed and the table that still needed set.

“No Hun.  You go.”  She said in that tone that stated her mind was made up so I did as she asked taking one last look at her as she got back to work before heading into the living room.

Dad was sitting on the couch watching a documentary about classic wartime cars but his tired eyes were closing making me wonder if he slept at all last night.  That’s the thing about dads you never quite know how they are feeling as you only ever see glimpses of true emotion: tired eyes, grey hairs and sad smiles.  I sat down beside him and he opened his eyes and smiled at me.  “Hey dad.”  I smiled back at him snuggling into his side as he put his arm around me.

“Hey Toots.  Are you ok?”  He looked at me the TV lighting up the left side of his face as he did so.

“Yeah.”  I replied and I meant it.  “Are you?”

“I’m doing ok.”  He said but I could tell he wasn’t, not today.  So we watched the documentary together in silence until mum called us for tea then we sat together at the kitchen table and talked about unimportant things skirting around the elephant in the room called Jay.  Feelings were too raw to properly talk about him together today but he was mentioned as some comments were unavoidable...

“This tastes great mum, Jay would have loved it.”

“Happy birthday Sweetie.”

“He would be 16 today.”

“This is lovely Anne.  He’s had a got a good spread.”

I was glad when it was all over and I got to crawl under my covers, trying to find that happiness from earlier which Jay’s birthday meal had drained me of.  I pictured Kale’s face as we spun around my new dance studio all bliss and happiness, then his lips as he kissed me on my mouth, on my neck, on my ear and his body as it pressed against mine all warmth and safety.  But I wanted to hear his voice so I crawled out of bed and raked around my bag on the floor for my phone quickly calling him.