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15 | delayed apology

henri

One of the biggest things a person cannot admit at times is the feeling of relief when something bad happened. That day was one of those days, no matter how heartbroken she felt, Henri felt relief. Kahit pa parang umiiyak siya noon na para siyang namatayan o nais lang sumabay sa biglang malakas na pag-ulan ay kasabay ng pighati ang relief. Hindi niya lang pinansin iyon but it was there. Because, now she didn't have to drop the news on her own. Maraming beses na niyang naisip na makipaghiwalay. There were days when it was getting worse, where gusto niya lang iyong basta i-drop kay Seth ng hindi ito prepared.

She wanted to drop it when they were talking over the phone and she had to explain that she cannot meet him because she needs to work overtime. She wanted to drop it when she had to leave mid-date because she was so tired she just wished to sleep. She wanted to drop it when he no longer seem like he wanted to be patient with her and all she wanted to do is leave.

But not everyone feels that doing so is easy. Kaya may iba na naduduwag, basta na lamang maglalaho o isesend na lang at hindi na magpapakita. No one wanted to have to drop the bomb and deal with whatever reaction the other person will have.

You cannot tell someone the following so directly, "Hey, I'm falling out of love" or "Hey, I'm starting to feel even better with someone else than I do with you because you're always away" or "Hey, I think you changed, I wanted the old you back" or "Hey, I changed. Or maybe this is what I've always been and I'm just afraid that you'd leave if you know" or "Hey... I feel like you're a distraction and currently you're holding me back" or "Hey, I don't think we still want the same things"

And finally, "Break na tayo."

Or pajoke pa, "Um, parang ayoko na, break na tayo? Ay, ayaw mo? Sige, joke lang, tayo ulit."

No, it's hard. Dahil alam mong masasaktan siya at kahit hindi uso or parang weird sa iba, masasaktan ka rin. Magkaiba man kayo ng araw o panahon kung kelan tatama sa inyo ang katotohanan.

And maybe... if she had hashed it out, talked it out — it wouldn't have went the way it did then.

Kaya ngayon, sitting across from him and accepting the nth number of tissue he's giving, all Henri could feel is apologetic, angry, and tired. Mostly, tired. Madaling mag-ignore ng bagay at isipin na siguro sa makalawa ay mawawala rin ito. Siguro kapag hindi mo nakita nang matagal ay lilipas din.

But no one grows out of it so easily. May mga araw na iisipin at iisipin mo ang nangyari at maglilista ka ng maraming what-if. Kesyo kumakain ka, naliligo, matutulog ay parang kung anong basta-bastang bibisita iyon sa'yo. And hadn't she been having flashbacks lately?

Siguro masyadong malakas ang mga flashback niya na nag-materialize ito sa harapan niya. At ngayon ang lahat ng what if ay pwede nang maging totoo.

They can talk. Right here, right now. Kahit pa sabihing mage-eleven na ng gabi at nakiki-share lang sila sa Employees' Lounge ng Ignis Bar.

Thankful naman siyang nawala na ang smug nitong hitsura at tumahimik na ito. Mukha na lang itong awkward na basang tuta na asa kalagitnaan ng pagligo at hindi alam kung magwawasiwas ba o mananatili sa posisyon.

"...This is kind of nice," wika niya sabay singhot, "Getting to straighten things with you like this."

"...Yep," sagot nito saka muling ibinaling ang atensyon sa kanya. "Sinusubukan kong imbitahan ka for the following days but you weren't very responsive."

Huminga siya nang malalim at suminga muli. "I'm angry. Sino ba namang magseselebrate kung biglang bumalik ang ex nila ng walang paalam at gusto pang makipag-usap? Ayaw na lang na manahimik ako."