Twilight of Itaewon | Taekook ✔

28. Us; The Unknowns

The living was silent. Only the ticking of the clock and his breathings are disturbing the void around him. It was a failed attempt of his heart to not think about a certain one. He was back from his daily night walk and wanted to do his ever favorite thing. But. Something stopping him.

Kim Taehyung was gay, so were his friends. Two of them were dating. One had a crush on another. The five males had jobs. He and his best friend were lived in 221. They used to have fun and lived happy lives. Until.

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I didn't know the morning will be like this. I hate to wake up like this. I hate to see your face red from crying and your legs fail to dance, still, your lips have that frickin' smile. I hate how you can be this optimistic even your world just crumbled, leaving cracks behind. I hate you've wounds now that will take time to heal.

Hobi...

You always tell us there's nothing to lose and a world to see. How can we explore the world if you're gonna rest like this? On the hospital bed? You were never a fan of sleeping.

Look, Jinnie is losing all his worldwide handsomeness because his world isn't here to see him and praise him. And his world is you.

And Jiminie... Your favorite Diminie is forgetting all the steps you taught him. You know how bad a dancer he's. He's gonna spoil all your reputation if you continue to sleep like this.

Namjoon...I found him crying next to your bed. Namjoon... The joonie we used to tease for being cold and stone man, he cried for you.

Hobi, it hurts. It hurts so bad. Why didn't you tell us that you were suffering? Why didn't you tell us you were hiding so much pain behind your smile. We envied you, telling you that you're always happy. Only if we knew your happiness comes with a cost.

Sorry... Sorry for letting you go through this alone.  Sorry for not being the best friends that we used to brag about a lot. Sorry for not being able to share your pain. Forgive us...

Doctors said you will be fine. All you've to do is open your eyes and look at us. We promise we will be the best kids ever. We will come with you hiking, and traveling and whatever you want. Please, please Hobi... Open your eyes...

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Ever felt breath caught in your lungs? Ever felt how every heartbeat you take is hurting? Ever felt the pain of living and not dead? That's what Jeongguk felt.

The unfamiliar sting of tears behind his eyes, the not-so-good churning in his stomach, the pang in his heart. Why? Because something happened to Hobi.

And he doesn't know what it is. He can't know. From what Taehyung ever told him about Hobi, Jeongguk imagined Hobi as an elder brother who will always let you do whatever or sometimes will join your crackhead ideas.

Just like Taehyung, Jeongguk believed that Hobi was the glue of GangBangtan. The invisible warmth that brings them together. One thing was sure, if Hobi was not like the old, then Jeongguk was going to lose a lot - GangBangtan, the fun, the happy times, and... And Taehyung. It was his worst fear. Life is cruel.

Before even realizing it, Jeongguk was crying. Tears rolling down his cheeks and he felt his heart shattering into pieces. Holding his hand on his chest, Jeongguk curled into a ball on the floor. It's not only because of hobi. Jeongguk thought about all his loss, his pains, his fears, and everything that haunting him to cry harder.

He doesn't remember when was the last time he cried. Maybe at the age of fourteen, while fighting with his brother. But this is different. The bitterness of tears is actually healing him. The last thing Jeongguk wanted was crying to sleep. Letting his heart and soul pour the hot tears so that the darkness of sleep can embrace him. A mini painless death.

But closing your eyes doesn't take you away from nightmares. His subconscious mind was painting Hobi as an average tall man, blonde hair, a wide smile that was a bit dim now, and laying on the hospital bed. Whenever Jeongguk closed his eyes, the image was haunting him and he shuddered open his eyes. Oh, how much he wished to have a dream catcher and a blessing to take all his nightmares away. But he's not Kim Taehyung. He doesn't have a Park Jimin.

Hugging himself and wiping his tears, Jeongguk did what he used to do when he wanted to escape from the world. Discarding the screams inside his head to not open it, Jeongguk still turned the pages and stopped where the bookmark was. He loves to hurt himself, to forget about the illegal things he was doing.

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Time skip.
Work sucks. Jimin stopped dancing and just waders around nowadays. Namjoon hyung was trying hard to keep up the company's good name. Jinnie... Hobi... We miss you, we miss the old you, we miss the old us...

We're not five without you... We're not GangBangtan without you...

Our Instagram handles were avoided for a long time now. I don't even know if I have any followers now. Should I post something? I don't feel like it...
Jimin and I are sleeping together. He says my room is warm and protective.
I agree.

Dear Youniverse,
I know I'm not your favorite, but please, just for once, stop the chaos around us and bring back the old us. It hurts. It hurts to hold on without any hope.

And... Whoever is hurting now, whoever going through the deepest pain and suffering alone, in this world, I pray for you to heal and glow.
Shine, dream, smile...

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"Tae..."

It was like a whisper. A sweet whisper which was wet from all the tears and wrapped in agony.  Each edge of his body hurts and heats pooling around his soul when he called that name. Jeongguk too, aware that he's also not the favorite one of the universe or Youniverse. But, he wishes at least Taehyung's prayer to come true. To shine, dream and smile again.

Jeongguk traced the handwriting. It was like he was wiping the tears of the author. His fingertips touching the stained ink like snatching all the pained letters from that ocean eyes. He inhaled the pages like wrapping his arms around a slender waist and pulling the fragile person closer to his heart.

The irony is, it's only Kim Taehyung who can weaken him, and still, Jeongguk will wipe the boy's tears, and keep him safe in his heart just like Taehyung keeping him safe under his roof.

The only problem is, Jeongguk wasn't there when Taehyung needed him the most. And Taehyung will never know Jeongguk was hurting himself because of the pure anguish Taehyung had to go through. It's even. They both weren't there when they needed each other the most.

Who are they even? Strangers? One is a lost star, another is a chaotic ocean. One is the author and the other is the reader.
At the end of the day, Jeon Jeongguk exists where Kim Taehyung doesn't. 

How brave we're, gladly hurting ourselves more and more just to reach the eternity of happiness. Fools.

~...
Oohhooo... lala lalalala... Lala lalalala...
Lala lalalala...
Oohhooo... lala lalalala... Lala lalalala...
Lala lalalala...
...~

See ya...

~AnecdotesOfABroken.