Mindful Insanity

Growing Up

I watched her open her big eyes for the first time, looking around the little pink room, seeing the world for the first time. She was 3 weeks earlier than the doctors expected, and yet she was the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. Her family around her smiled, with tears of happiness in their expressions. Her gaze fell upon her mother, and she started smiling, eyes crinkling underneath the hanging lights. Her cheeks pink, revealed 2 dimples on each side, but disappearing as her smile faded. Her eyes unwrinkled, cheeks became a deep red, eyes turned to black, and she grew hot, with eyelids sweating along with her forehead as the tears came. Bawling her eyes out, the doctors grabbed ahold of her, leaving the room. She saw me.

Until she was 8 years of age, she despised me. She despised everyone actually, other than her parents. I would continually watch her, every day as she packed notebooks, pencils, and a tiny lunchbox into her Disney backpack.. At school, she would be first to get into the classroom to take a desk in the back corner, furthest from the windows. 3rd graders would pile in, but none would sit near her, or offer up a conversation. She was the opposite of social but did her work nonetheless. Her gaze would always be in her schoolwork. Hair would fall around her face like a dogs tongue on a hot summer day, and she'd never look up at the teacher. In lunch, she would stay in her teachers room, but stayed silent. Mrs. Smith would talk about life and ask her questions, but she wouldn't speak. She didn't need to. There was nothing to ever say. At home, she would talk a little bit. Albeit just enough to get by. Her mind would be too filled up and clouded to pay attention to reality. 

She had always seen me, but with her mind all fogged up, she couldn't even tell whether I was real or just a glimpse of her imagination. Per contra, I wanted her to know that I'm here. I'm here for her. So I came out to her when she was 8 years of age. That's when she stopped hating me because now she finally knew I was 'real', as it must have been contemplated in her subconscious. 

I trailed behind her as she exited the bus and went towards the doorway. With a key, she turned the lock and opened the door. Turning around to lock it, she noticed me and glared. Her mom yelled to close the door, the cold would come in. She waited for me to come inside, then shut the door. I went up to her room as usual, while her mom asked about her day.

"Good," is all she said. Then she went upstairs to start homework, like every single day.

"Hi," I spoke for the first time in 8 years. She looked around, then went back to her work.

"Hiiiiii. I'm right heeeeere," I went and sat in front of her. She looked up from her homework, but then went back to doing it again.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I know you're listening!" I exclaimed with a smile, "You're looking right at me.....I'm heeeeeere, in front of youuuu," 

"Go away," she mumbled, "Get back to where you belong."

"I belong here," I said, pointing to her heart.

I noticed tears stream from her eyes, blotting out her work.. I sat next to her for a bit. She ignored me still. So soon enough I got up and left the room.