Jaspar One Shots [abandoned] boyxboy

Miserable At Best

This one shot was inspired by the song Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade. The song is really about another guy stealing his girl. However, It's going to be a bit different.

It's mainly based on the main chorus lyrics:

"But I guess... I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best."

Be prepared for the feels, it's a kind of depressing one. Actually,

WARNING: Really sad and depressing. Mentions of self harm.

I added the vid for it above, and even though it doesn't really relate, I would still suggest listening to it while reading.

Okay okay onto the story!! :D

-Caspar POV-

As I snuggle into bed, I reach over and grab the picture of Joe that lays on his bedside table. On his side of the bed. His untouched side of the bed.

Untouched for over a year. I've left it neat, and tucked in. It's a reminder of how every morning, just after he would get up, he'd make his bed. I never did. But now, I do every day.

It's become part of my daily ritual. Just as picking up his picture has.

Every night, right before I turn out the light, I look into the eyes of the man I love. I whisper 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you.' and I set it down again, in the exact same position.

It's become almost as natural as brushing my teeth. I miss Joe every day of my life, every second of the day.

It hurts to know I could've stopped it, that it was my fault. I hate myself every day. For, after all, I brought this on myself.

I am the cause for my own sadness. For the destruction of my world. If only I'd stayed on the phone a little longer...

It's what he wanted me to do. It's what I should've done. But instead, I hung up. I hung up and left him stopped in his tracks.

Looking down on his phone, asking nothing if I was still there. And left in the middle of the street when the light turned green.

There was a truck behind him, the driver's window so high up, Joe's small body wasn't visible.

I don't remember much from that day, only getting the call and rushing to the hospital.

Him in his bed, unconscious. I'm kind of glad he was. I didn't want to face him. But I do wish I had got to say my last goodbyes.

The last thing I said to him was

"Whatever."

And the last word he ever spoke was

"Caspar..."

I feel the crushing weight again. A feeling I have become accustomed to. It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault.

No. I can't do this. I need to stay strong for Joe. I need to do this for him. He would be so disappointed in me.

I quickly shut off my light and pull the blanket higher over my head. I reach for Joe's pillow, and smell the underside. It still smells just like him, though faded. I put it back down and roll onto my back.

The first few months without Joe were complete hell. I never really realized what a big part of my life he was before he died.

I spent my days crying until I had no tears left. Apologizing until the tears returned. They were the lowest days.

Joe was my everything. I felt so alone without him. Even with everyone comforting me, I was alone. I saw them, but I didn't see them. I heard them, but I didn't hear them.

Zoë tried to take me to a therapist. The one she was seeing for Joe. I spent the whole time staring out the window, not talking. Not answering any questions.

I was hollow. I wasn't really living. I was a shell of a man, walking around. Well, the only walking I did was to the bathroom, and letting people inside.

I wouldn't have survived without my friends. They gave me unconditional love and support, brought me food, let me cry into their shoulders, anything and everything.

I am so thankful to have them in my life. They helped me push through. They helped heal my sadness. But they couldn't stop everything.

My eyes are adjusted to the dark now, so I can clearly see Joe's name written in scars on my wrist, along with a sloppy heart.

It was one of my lowest days, one of the ones where I was feeling the heat of my mistake. Cursing myself for it being my fault.

Most everyone was at Vidcon. I couldn't go. It was too soon after Joe's death. It would be no fun for my fans.

Zoë didn't go either, but she was at home with Alfie. I was completely alone with my thoughts. They started pressing in, willing me to hurt. I stupidly followed their orders.

I kiss his name, another ritual. It reminds me that no matter how hard I hurt, Joe will always love me.

In fact, once I went through his drawers. It felt wrong, but I wanted some sort of reminder of Joe. It was one of those days where I felt alone. I needed Joe.

As I dug through chargers and gum wrappers, I found something that made me start sobbing. Not out of sadness, but happiness.

It was a folded piece of paper. I recognized his handwriting immediately. That in itself was enough to cause a tear to roll down my cheek.

But then I read it. It was titled 'Ode To Jaspar'

Caspar,

I love you so much, more than you could possibly know. I honestly don't know how I lived before I met you. These past 4 years with you have been the best of my life. You are my second half, you make me whole. I wouldn't want to spend a minute without you. Which is why I ask you, will you marry me?

There was a ring taped to the bottom. Etched on the inside was the word Jaspar. It was the biggest mix of sadness and happiness I had ever felt. But I put the ring on, and whispered

"Yes, Joe. Of course."

I even posted a picture of my finger with the letter in the background to Instagram. I captioned it with the words I had uttered.

I got so many supportive comments that night. Them, mixed with the ring, caused me to launch into my acceptance stage.

The one I am in now. Of course I still miss Joe. Of course I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I'm human.

But I think I'm just coping better. I still feel sadness every second of the day. I still miss Joe with all my heart. It hurts every day.

Sometimes I speak to Joe, even though I know I'm really just talking to myself. But it doesn't matter, it makes me feel better. It lifts some of the pain.

Right before I drift off into sleep, I tell Joe

"I guess I can live without you, but without you, I'll be miserable; at best."