Beautiful and Broken

16.

What happened afterwards made me respect every single Grisha on that ship. The way they lifted their heads, took in their surroundings, looked for something that needed to be done, and started doing it. The way Genya wiped the tears from her face, and started organizing them. The Fabrikators gathered around the most damaged parts, and quietly discussed fixing them. The rest helped carry the wounded below deck, and a few of them rapped the dead in sheets, in preparation for a sea burial. I've been asked to help the healers with the smaller wounds, as somehow they caught word about that being one of the things I could do. 

It only took a few hours for the Squallers to announced that we were ready to go. But first we needed to say goodbye to the ones we've lost. I've knocked on Aleksander's door. There was no answer, but I still opened the door. He was sitting by his desk, his face buried in his palms. He didn't even look up when I entered, I had to walk over to him and put my hand on his shoulder to make him notice me.

"Come, you have a funeral to attend." He looked up at me as he had no idea what I was talking about. I insisted. "We – you – lost some good people today. The least they deserve from you is to be there and see them off." He sighed, but stood up and followed me to the rails, where the three bodies now covered in white sheets were laid out. Everyone who could stand gathered around them, looking expectantly to their General, but he stood by silently, fixing his eyes on his dead Grisha. Then Fedyor started singing a simple, sad song, a soldier's last goodbye to his mother, the others gradually joining in.

"Go tell my tender-hearted mother

Not to weep for me,

For I died the death, I did not fear"

There was a moment of silence after the waves closed over their bodies, then Genya orderd the Squallers to their places, and we set sail back towards the base in the Fjerdan mountains. For days, no loud word was heard on the whaler, except the Squaller's shouts to each other from one crow's nest to another, to assure they were perfectly synchronised while raising the winds that filled the sails. I was standing near the railing, looking at the waves breaking on the horizon and the seagulls resting on the water in flocks, when Aleksander stopped next to me. It was the first time I saw him above deck since the day of the fight.

"You weren't seasick after all," he greeted me. I had no idea I was supposed to be seasick, and told him so. "There had to be a reason why you hid below deck for days on end, so I assumed the most obvious." The fact that he even observed my absence came as a surprise. "You know," he mused, "I've only realised how much I enjoyed your company while you were missing." I must have looked at him incredulously, because he elaborated. 

"I've spent so much time making sure that everyone was aware of what I could do to them. To make them fear me. And now that you don't give a damn about what I can or can't do, it feels refreshing. I guess fear makes people boring."

His words enveloped me with the warmth of a sunny afternoon in the middle of the summer. But it all went away soon enough, when I realised there was no sane reason for me to feel this way. The realisation that came next made me feel like the skin and flesh was being torn away from my ribs, exposing my beating heart for the world to see, a feeling of nakedness so real that I unconsciously pulled my kefta tighter around me. I loved him. It horrified me, knowing enough of the things he did, being personally acquainted with the darkness that lived in him. 

But ironically this wasn't even my greatest worry, because who said I couldn't love someone so beautiful and so broken if I chose to? The one thing that made my knees weak with fear was knowing that he would never even see me, because there was no place in his heart or in his thoughts for anyone else than the Sun Summoner.