Without You

Chapter 3

I sighed as I took Amelie out of the bath. Today had been a long day and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep till late tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately Amelie was very hyper and had no intention of going to bed. "Amelie, it is time to go to sleep now," I said somewhat firmly. She shook her head and crossed her arms across her chest. I groaned. This was going to be more difficult than I thought. "Amelie Shaw if you don't let me get you ready for bed then I won't speak to you!" I shouted angrily. Amelie's bottom lip wobbled and her eyes turned glassy.

"I hate you, I wish daddy was here, he wouldn't shout at me," Amelie said turning and walking into her bedroom.

I collapsed on the floor and burst into tears. "If only I knew where your daddy is," I cried sobbing into my hands. There was only one thing that would make me feel better.

I ran into the bathroom and looked through the drawers. I knew what I had to do. I had to feel pain. A physical pain that would distract me from my emotional pain. A pain that would make me feel stronger. I knew that I was a coward and didn't deserve to be on earth, but Amelie needed me. No matter how much I told myself she didn't, I always knew deep down that she did.

I cut myself again and again watching as the beautiful red liquid dripped off my arm. I felt the regular stinging sensation and adrenaline pumping through my veins as I released my tension. This was the way my life went. Whenever something went wrong I would always come to the bathroom and cut.

After a few minutes of watching the blood trickle down my arm, I remembered that Amelie was not speaking to me. I felt the familiar pain in my heart. The same pain I had felt when my parents had disowned me. I wiped up the blood and put the razor back in a high place where Amelie couldn't reach it.

"Amelie, Amelie baby?" I said as I walked into her room. She was sat on the bed crying her eyes out. I ran towards her bed and pulled her in for a hug. "I'm sorry baby please forgive me," I cried sobbing onto the little girl's clothes. She hugged me and began whispering that she loved me and that I was forgiven. This just made me want to sob more.

"Mummy can I tell you something?" Amelie asked. I nodded my head.

"I see Daddy in my dreams. He tells me to come looking for him," she said looking up at me with her beautiful, bright eyes.

"Did he say anything else?" I whispered. She shook her head.

"No he just says that he loves you." I got up, picking Amelie up with me and striding into my bedroom.

"Baby if he comes tonight, ask him where we can find him," I said hoping that whoever the father was of my child he would make an appearance in our lives, because we needed help. Even if I didn't want to be with him myself, Amelie needed him. I didn't want her to become like me. A mess. A broken mess.

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