Without You

Chapter 4

"Come on Amelie we're going to the zoo today with Aunt Tiff and Aunt Chloe and your cousins," I stated trying to sound excited. However on the inside I wasn't feeling it. I would have preferred to stay in bed all day, but I couldn't pull Amelie into all of my problems. She deserved a real life with a proper mum. Not someone like me. I was just a state and it wasn't her fault at all, so why should she have to put up with me?

We both got ready and decided to go out to get breakfast as I couldn't be bothered getting anything out to make. Amelie and I walked into a diner near Tiff's house. Amelie ordered pancakes with orange juice while I ordered a water.

We waited for Amelie's food to come and I checked twitter and facebook on my phone. "Mummy, why are you always on your phone and never talking to me?" Amelie asked. I looked up. I had never thought that I had been neglecting my child by being on my phone all of the time, but now that I thought about it I had been a terrible mother.

'See even your own daughter doesn't want you.'
'You're just hurting her.'
'You're just a waste of space.'
'Nobody needs you.'

I ran into the bathroom leaving my six year old daughter by herself in a deserted diner. I wasn't thinking straight. I just had the urge to cut. I ran into the bathroom and looked through my bag, but it wasn't there. I began panicking. My hands shaking. I dropped my bag and I fell to the floor sobbing into my hands.

I must've been in there for quite a while, because the next thing I knew, I was hearing my daughter calling for me. "Mummy where are you? Are you ok mummy?" Amelie asked coming round the corner and seeing me sobbing on my knees. She ran up to me and hugged me tightly. "Have you got a booboo mummy?" She asked. I just nodded and then showed her a burn I had got a while back. She kissed it. "There all better," she said. I nodded and got up. I felt bad for lying to her, but she was just too young to understand and I didn't want my six year old knowing about self harm, not that I thought of it as that. It was more of a way out. An escape.

I held her hand as we walked out of the bathrooms. I paid for the food and we left quickly setting off for Tiffs house.

"Hey girls," Tiffany said ushering us into her house. Penelope was sat playing with her dolls. I hugged her, then joined Tiffany and Amelie in the kitchen.

Tiff was making some toast, while Amelie watched. Chloe and her two children were in there too. "Hey guys," I said hugging them all one by one.

"Have you eaten Josie?" Chloe asked as she spread some butter onto the toasts she had made.

"Yes," I said without thinking.

"No you haven't mummy," Amelie said. The room went deadly silent. Chloe and Tiff had stopped what they were doing, and were staring at me.

"Zane, Lola and Amelie go and play with Penelope," Chloe said sternly. I had a feeling that we weren't going to go to the zoo after all.

"Josie do you want to talk about it?" Tiffany asked calmly. I shook my head.

"You're such a liar, I can't believe you wouldn't tell us that," Chloe shouted standing up and walking out of the room. Tiff stood up and walked towards me. I thought she was going to hug me, but instead she shrugged her shoulders and left the room.

I looked at the floor. I was ashamed of myself. I never thought that I'd be caught, but I guess I wasn't careful enough.

Eventually I stood up and took Amelie's hand walking out of the  house and into my car, I couldn't be mad at her, it was all my fault.

Nobody truly cared about me anyway, that was why I was always left to fend for myself. I couldn't ever let anyone else in again. I had to do this by myself.

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