The Sea Does Not Forgive

Zoya

  Zoya woke to a flash of light shining in her eyes. Tamar had risen early, and that was saying something compared to Zoya. She was now opening the curtains of the windows.

  "Wake up. We need to leave."
  "Is Nikolai awake?"
  "How am I to know?"
  "Well, you might wanna find out. He takes forever to get ready."
  "I'm sure it's no longer than you."
  "Okay, I hate being the bigger person, but we will end up getting us killed if we can't be friends."
  Tamar huffed then turned to face Zoya. "I know. I want to not be angry at you, and you're free to believe whatever you want. But for some reason I just can't bring myself to let it go."
  Zoya nodded, "Can I tell you why I don't believe in saints?"
  "Only if you get dressed while doing so."
  Zoya stood up and began to change. "When I was a little girl, I used to pray all the time. It brought me peace and my mother made sure I stuck to it. I thought, the world couldn't touch me because the saints were on my side. We went to church every weekend, said prayers every night and before every meal, and repented any foul thing we did.

  "When I turned nine, my mother brought this old man into our house. He was at least fifty and the way they talked about me, well at the time I was too young to really understand. But looking back, it disgusts me." Zoya had moved to packing her suitcase, and had noticed Tamar sitting in a chair, listening closely.

  "They talked about my body in ways I never want to think of again. Then I found out I was to marry him. I didn't want to. I prayed every night something would happen, and I would be whisked away and saved. But all my praying did was cause my father to leave. Funny enough him leaving was what caused the horrid idea of marrying me off in the first place. My aunt tried to visit often, and I loved that. I loved her.

  "Well, one day she tried to tell my mom that it wasn't okay what was happening, and got a one way ticket to banishment from the wedding. Being the hero she is, she showed up anyway. They tried to remove her from the premise but when she said no, they beat her. She was bloodied and on the ground and helpless and something inside me snapped. I ended up blowing almost everyone into a cement wall.

  "My aunt survived, but I was whisked away to Os Alta and didn't get to see her until almost seven years later. Of course by then I was full and well groomed by the darkling, and my whole position on life changed. I thought I was invincible and safe, but all I ever was was broken and doomed from the start."

  Zoya had sat down at some point, and a drop of water on her hand indicated she was crying. She wasn't sure when that had started, but it had to stop. She wiped her face before standing up.

  "It doesn't matter anymore. She's dead. The fold killed her and now all I can do is move on."
  "Zoya-"
  "I'm gonna go wake Nikolai." She stopped in the bathroom to check her face. Before leaving she turned to Tamar, "If you tell anyone about this I swear-"
  "Don't worry, I won't tell."

  Zoya nodded before moving to wake Nikolai so they could get on the road.

  The trip to Os Kervo felt shorter than normal. Maybe it was the anticipation of getting on the water, or the fear of Tamar telling someone what had happened, but when they arrived in the shipping town five days later Zoya was relieved. The Volkvolny sat in the harbor waiting for them to board.

  It needed to be stocked first, but Zoya didn't mind taking the time to wander the docks and take in the fresh sea water. It cleared her head and allowed for her to breath easier. She had found a comfy spot to sit and watch the seagulls, and as the sun set she heard footsteps behind her.

  "Beautiful isn't it?"
  "Are you talking about me or the sunset, Nikolai?"
  He sat down next to her, "Believe me, when I complement you, it's more than just 'your beautiful'"
  She smirked and rolled her eyes, "Unfortunately I know."
  "So how could you ever mistake the sunset for you?"
  "Well, we are both more than beautiful."
  "Ah, you got me there."

  Silence settled over them and Zoya found it comforting. Just his presence felt comforting. She closed her eyes and allowed her skin to really feel the warmth of the evening sun. She could feel his eyes on her. Probably with that dopey look on his face as if he'd never seen something so perfect in the world. She liked when she looked at her like that, but saints she'd never tell him.

  With her eyes still closed she said, "You're staring."
  "Not my fault you shine brighter than the sunset."
  "If I shine brighter than the sunset, then you should be blind." She opened her eyes to look at him.
  "My eyes are the worlds best sunglasses."
  "Then you aren't really looking at my beauty now are you?"
  His face turned serious, "I always see your beauty, Zoya. Every piece of it."

  They held each other's gaze, and for once Zoya wasn't sure how to respond. She was thankful when Tamar ran up from behind.

  "Ship's fully loaded, but we won't be leaving until tomorrow morning. However, we at least have a comfortable place to eat and sleep."

  Zoya nodded before standing up. Her head started buzzing again, one stupid line and he knocks you off your feet, how's that for him not being your downfall? Shut up, she chastised herself again.

  Dinner was far better than whatever the hell they ate near Ryevost. Real chicken and warm bread, it felt like she hadn't eaten in ages. Shortly after dinner she retired to her room and dug out a novel to read. Not even five minutes in, a knock came at her door.

  "Yes?"
  Tamar walked in slowly, "Hi."
  "Hi, how can I help you?"
  Tamar sat on the edge of Zoya's bed before talking, "I get why you don't believe in the saints. I was lucky enough to end up in a safe place with my brother and a crew who cares a lot about me. I guess I never really thought of the people who had been affected poorly."
  "I find that most people don't."
  "I don't wanna be angry at you. And learning more about your past, well that just makes me respect you more. I'm sorry your life has been crappy, but the point of friends is to help you make it less crappy, and that's all we want to do. But you have to help us out here."
  Zoya looked down at her book. "I know."
  "Do you?"
  "Maybe being open and emotionally available is easy for you, but I grew up learning to hide them. To not give other people the burden of your feelings. It makes life easier for them and me."
  Tamar shook her head, "Okay, well one day, you're going to find out that that's false, and when you do, I'll be here with open arms."

  She stood up and left, closing the door behind her. Zoya sighed and opened her book back up. She wasn't going to read it, her mind was far to distracted for that. But the motions gave her comfort. They made her feel in control. After a while she closed her book and made her way to the deck of the ship.

It was empty and stars lit up the dark coastline. Peering at the constellations, she sighed. She heard footsteps once more and turned to see Nikolai. He smiled his dumb smile, the one he used before he said something stupid.

  "We've got to stop these midnight rendezvous, people might think we're dating." Yup, something stupid.

  She shook her head and turned back toward the coast. He walked up and settled next to her. Shoulders just inches apart.

  "Why are you up here?" she asked.
  "I can't sleep."
  "Are you seriously worried about those dumb sea monsters?"
  "No! A little, but that's not why I'm up here." he paused, "What if... what if it doesn't work. What if we can't get the Kerch to sign a new treaty. Ravka can't handle another war."

  Zoya looked at his face. Rarely did she ever see him so distraught, and the sight wrenched at her heart. She put a hand on his arm.

  "We will find a way. You and me, we can do this."

  He looked at her, his hazel eyes golden in the low glow of the moon. His eyes flashed quickly to her lips, and back to her face. Panicked, she backed away. The pain in his face was quick, but unmistakable. Damn it. She thought.

  "It's late. We should get to bed."
  Nikolai nodded, "Right. Of course."
  "See you in the morning."

  With that she briskly walked back to her cabin, cursing her actions. Why was this so hard? It didn't use to be this hard, she use to be able to get whoever she wanted, but with Nikolai, something happened that forced her to double think. And she'd spend the rest of her days cursing herself for it.