The Sea Does Not Forgive

Zoya

  For all Zoya's hard work to ignore the king and build up her walls, one kiss had left them shattered and her heart defenseless. She lay in bed now wondering what came over her and caused that. It was a poor decision on her part, but if she had the chance to change it, she wouldn't. She rolled on her side trying to find sleep, but the tingle of his lips on hers wouldn't go away. In the end she wound up at Tamar's cabin. She knocked on the door and a very alert Tamar opened up.

  "Zoya? What are you doing here?"
  "I need to be an annoying woman for just five minutes, and usually I'd go to Genya, but she's not here."

  Tamar nodded and opened her door wider letting Zoya in. She found a chair to sit on, crossed her arms, and started bouncing her legs.

  "Okay, what's happening? Why are you so on edge?"
  "I'm gonna kick myself forever saying this, but I kissed Nikolai and now I don't know what to do."
  Tamar made an uncertain face, "You kissed Nikolai?"
  "Technically he kissed me. But I didn't stop him."

  Tamar burst out laughing. The loud sound startled Zoya. This wasn't funny, so why did Tamar think it was.

  "Yeah, ha ha, what do I do?"
  "Well nothing."
  "I can't just do nothing."
  "Yes you can. Saints, it's about time you guys got together. I mean that poor boy has been in love with you for ages. The only thing stopping him was every time he made an advance, you shut him down, hard!"
  Zoya's face was filled with confusion, "He is not in love with me."
  Tamar sat on the bed now, "Oh please, even the slightest mention of your name and his eyes light up like Alina in the fold."
  Zoya stood up, "I have to go now."

  She rushed out of Tamar's room and carried herself to Nikolai's. She should just go to bed, this much emotion and honesty would definitely drain her for tomorrow, but she was on a slippery slope, and unfortunately for her, she just kept falling. Arriving at his door, she motioned for Tolya to move, then banged on the wood in front of her. She wasn't sure exactly what her plan was, but it certainly wasn't to shove the king's bare chest back into the room as soon as he opened it.

  "Hey! I'm sure I deserve it but why?"
  "How long have you been in love with me?"

  Zoya saw Tolya as he tried to move stealthily away. Zoya moved her eyes back to the boy in front of her, his face unsure of how to respond.

  "I'm sorry?"
  "You heard me just fine."
  "Uh, can we not do this with the entire ship at our mercy?"
  Zoya walked in and blew the door shut. "Okay, we're in private. Answer me."
  "I'm not in love with you."
  "See I don't believe you-"
  "I'm not!"
  "Okay, well then how long have you wanted to kiss me? How long have you wanted to run your hands through my hair and hold me close? To fix me out of my stupid callous exterior?"
  "What? I've never wanted to 'fix you'."

  Zoya put her head in her hands and leaned against the door. What the hell was she doing here? This was a mistake. She shouldn't have come here, she shouldn't have let Nikolai kiss her. She should go back to her room, and wipe this whole experience from her memory. Instead she felt her hands wet with tears and her body shaking at the slow of adrenaline that was coursing through her body.

  "Zoya?" his voice was soft, cautious.
  She wiped her face before looking at him, "I'm sorry. I'll leave-"
  "No! No, please come sit down."

  She made her way to bed and sat down. Nikolai settled down next to her, far enough away as to not send her into a panic, but close enough that she felt comforted.

  "What's wrong?"
  "I dont know." Her voice was low, "Everything was fine and then I went to talk with Tamar and she said that you'd been in love with me for ages and I just spiraled."
  "I really admire you, and I sure like you a hell of a lot. And don't freak out, but I could definitely see myself falling in love you. But why does that scare you?"
  "I've spent my while avoiding advances from men who claim to be in love with me. Each one thinks they can fix me and make themselves the perfect house wife. I don't want that to be you. I don't want to drop my walls only to be crushed by the reality that you liked the idea of fixing me."
  "How could you ever think that would be me?"
  "I don't. But a part of me always brings the thought to mind just in case. So that way if it happens, I can't say I'm surprised."

  Nikolai sighed. Zoya avoided eye contact, fixing hers on rubbing her hands together. Nikolai reached over and gently stopped the motion.

  "Look at me, please." Zoya looked up, "I don't think you need fixing. I never want your personality to change. You keep our country afloat, you make sure everything is just right. If you changed, I'd be lost. You're callous and angry and frustrating, but I love what it brings to your personality. The fire, the ambition, the hope that you can fix the world. If I changed a single part, I'd change the Zoya I admire so much."
  "I don't think you'll agree if you ever married me."
  "Well then I suppose we have to get married to find out, don't we?"
  She looked back down at their hands, "So much for 'no more midnight rendezvous'."
  Nikolai laughed, "I'm willing to let this one slide."
  Zoya made eye contact again, her rough exterior coming back. "I'm going to bed. I will see you in the morning."
  "Goodnight Zoya."

  Once settled in her bed, exhaustion overtook her. Her eyes hurt from crying, her heart felt heavy and raw, and she was overall more tired than she'd been in a long time. Sleep found her faster than ever, and morning came with the knowledge that in forty-eight hours, they would be in Kerch and on their way to Ketterdam.

  The morning fog brought Zoya comfort. She found a spot against the railing and played with the weather in the air. She created clouds and formed different shapes, her mind finally clear for the first time in forever. Nikolai's voice startled her out of her thoughts.

  "The fog is a great spot for sea monsters to attack."
  "Are you so afraid we will fail to defend ourselves?"
  "No. I'm more concerned that you will tire of saving us."
  He found his spot next to her, shoulders right next to each other. "I saved you from one monster, I can do it again."
  "How are you doing?"
  She sighed before looking at him, "Better. My mind is clear for once."
  "Clear enough where if I kissed you, you wouldn't run away?"

  Her mind panicked. But she held her ground firm and took a deep breath. He will not be my downfall. I will not run away, she thought.

  "There's only one way to find out, I guess."

  Nikolai leaned down slowly, giving her time to back up if she wanted. But she held firm, and then his warm mouth was on hers again. The initial feeling was anger at herself for letting this happen. But she squelched that and all that remained was desire to move closer. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled them into a hug.

  His hands went to her ponytail and pulled free the ribbon that had tied it up. Something warm and wet met her lips and she realized it was his tongue. That was the last straw that let her panic win. Her eyes shot open she back away.

  "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that-"
  Zoya's hand shot up to silence him, "No, it's fine." She groaned, "Why is this so hard? I'm so used to being so suave so charming. I'm like the Nikolai of women."
  "Is that an insult?"
  "So why is it so hard to build our relationship?"
  "Okay, you wanna know what I think?"
  She gave a dry laugh, "Sure."
  "I think, you're so used to building fake relationships, that when it comes to real ones, you're so scared of messing it up, your brain thinks it's easier to just not build it at all."
  Zoya look at Nikolai and sighed, "You're probably right. And that's unfair to you. I'm sorry."
  "I'm sorry, could you say that again?"
  Zoya rolled her eyes, "No, I won't say it again."
  "Look, it will take time to get comfortable. That's fine, we can go slow. I promise not to stick my tongue in your mouth until your ready."
  Zoya laughed at that. "If it's any consolation, it just surprised me. It's not that I didn't want it to happen."
  "We'll still. I'll let you initiate more than lip contact for now."

  Zoya slid back over to him. She was leaning up toward his mouth when a loud crack sounded against the ship, and they both fell into the sea.