Memoirs Of A Real Girl

lie

6:19 am July 19th 2021

   I was 13, sitting on this grassy hill drinking a hard lemonade with my bestfriend at 2 am. We were by a pool and the stars were out. She brought a blanket for us to lay on as we looked up at the night sky and I remember sitting up and thinking to myself,
"Damn this is kinda romantic, this would be such a nice date" and wishing it was this boy I had fancied at the time sitting there next to me.  I looked over to her. Her blonde hair falling over her shoulders and as cliche as it sounds, a twinkle in her eye as she admired the sky.
I remember how beautiful she was, as stared sll thoughts of that boy from before faded away and I admired her. Capturing every detail of her as she layed next to me.
Her freckles that littered her face and the dimples that were oh so apparent as she smiled. Why was I looking at my best friend that way? And why was I suddenly happy it was her next to me and not literally any of the boys from our school?
Why did I want to caress her face in my hands? I shouldnt be looking at her that way.
Looking back it now, 8 years later i know why. And all those years of being a little too close and a little too attached and a little too obsessed with any girl I had called my bestfriend before or after that makes sense.

But even today, at 21 years of age,  it is hard to accept the fact i like girls just as much as any guy i date. Sure I can say to my friends that im a little gay but never will those words leave my mouth after I walk back into my house. I will stay in this comfortable little space I have created in the closet under my stairs until the day my grandmother stops bashing those around me who walk around free and proud with a man or a woman on their arm and a smile on their face. I will stay in this box Ive called home for so many years until the slurs and hate leave the woman whos given me a home and raised me as her own. I will not leave my space until I know when I come out i will be safe and greeted with open arms and words of love from the woman I love more than anyone in the world.

Ive tried. Time and time again too test the waters but they are always circling with hungry sharks. Some days I have a little more courage than others but am shut down immediately. Chalked up to not so innocent curiosity planted their by lucifer himself. I fight for those she puts down for loving who they love but cant find the strength to do the same for myself.
Its one of her bigger flaws she cant seem to shake but my biggest flaw is being okay with not being okay.
They say love who you love and one day i will but for now i guess I will continue to lie to myself.