12:00am july 13th 2021
Am I happy or am I just mirroring those around me? Do i feel like normal people or uas my untreated and ignored trauma numbed me so much I go through life feeling the moment and not the real shit that lasts? Why am I sitting here hating myself and my body and my face and everything about myself with a blank expression on my face and not feeling the sadness or disgust or disdane I felt growing up on nights like this? If i were a color i would be grey. I always felt myself as a deep deep blue that never ended like an ocean trench. Filled with so much sadness and grief that sufficated any light that tried to peak through.
But now im simply grey, drifting through existence with scraped knees and bruised arms. I have to sit there and talk myself into emotions when I know i need to feel something. I have to sit there and talk myself into keeping any emotion thats broken through because it feels real. At least slightly less artificial than my day to day emotional range. Its sadness but like off brand sadness. Its sad but not quite there. Forced and it doesnt reach my soul and i think u can see that in my eyes. I think I tried cutting again on my leg awhile back. It didnt do what it use to. Theres no emotion to try to numb anymore and I guess it doesnt work the other way like I had hoped. I was dumped 2 weeks ago and acted sad but honestly I think I was more upset with the fact there isnt someone there to ground me anymore and keep me in reality. He wont be there to distract me anymore or keep me busy. No one to be jealous over or be aggitated by or make me laugh. None of the surface level stuff that was there is present right now so im just kinda here now. We had dated for 4 years before we got back together.
Hes known me for 6 years and I should be utterly heart broken and i thought I was but now that ive had time to ponder it I think i just misunderstood it.
Do I have friends? Do I like the friends I have? Do they like me? Do I care? I honestly dont know. I feel like a fictional character whose lost themselves due to writers block. Am I real?
YOU ARE READING
Memoirs Of A Real Girl
Aléatoirethis is just a book about girl you will never know. But as you read more I think you'll start see this person with out a name can be quite interesting. Eventually as the story progresses you'll know more about her than anyone does. Hopefully you'll...
