I've always been strong enough
to power through any pain
but this is a kind of hurt
that my heart has never felt.
my diseased brain feeds me lies.
my frozen heart pushes everyone away.
my fingertips slapping myself
just to find some sense
within my broken self
the painful fact is
is that I no longer find interest
in this vast world.
I can't stand being here anymore.
I've dealt with enough pain
to last me a hundred lifetimes.
I'm a mere young girl
who just wants to be enough
but her best effort is never enough.
it's never enough to just be happy
because they'll call me selfish.
I've grown to hate myself.
my body tries to be enough
but when I see other people
I just want to starve myself.
starve myself of the pleasure in life
and focus on being beautiful.
my short and wide body isn't enough
and if I want to be the pretty girl
I need to change myself
and I need to appear beautiful.
insecurities drown out
any hope of escaping
this dark hole of desolation.
I choke on my tears
and cough them out as words
that I arrange to say my goodbyes.
I don't know the truth anymore
and I don't want to know it.
the only truths i have
are the ones thrown to me daily.
"You have to get A's under my roof"
and "I don't care that you're sick,
get in the car and go to school"
and "You're not depressed, just sad"
my family is telling me
what I'm going through
but I know the truth and I know
that my sick heart
won't make it through this cold winter.
