Suns and Shadows

The Depth of Souls

My mother doesn't say anything as Joshua looks around our living room, running his fingers over all of the black marks. At our silence he looks up, giving us a smile with pity hinted in his eyes. "I'm not going to tell anyone."

Mother's shoulders relax, releasing all of their tension. My teeth are still clenched together. He knows. I can't get the words out of my head. Our greatest fear is that a Sun should know our secrets. Now it is in the flesh and my mother doesn't show any fear in her eyes.

"How did you know?" I ask at last, barely even able to choke out the words. My heart beats in my chest, faster than I've ever heard it before. My voice is in a whisper. 

Joshua presses his lips together. He hesitates and then says, "I knew somebody once who was like this." He doesn't tell me anything more, but I feel my heart shift, if only a little bit. 

Mother puts her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Joshua doesn't say anything. He just stares at the scorch marks. "I don't think I suffered as much as you did." He stands up and glances at the two of us. "Do-Could I talk to her? I know some tricks to help."

I open my mouth to say no. He is a Sun. He'd hurt Saiya if he got the chance. But before I can say anything Mother says it first. "Of course you can, but Ebony needs to see her first. Saiya has been so worried for her."

She gives me the look that says I shouldn't argue. But I want to argue. I was the one who took care of her and you didn't. You weren't here on her bad days and now you want her to talk to a stranger? The very stranger who is a Sun, the one who oppressed us for years. 

I want to argue very much, but my lips stay sealed as I open the door to the bedroom I used to share with Saiya. 

I can't describe the look she gives me when I walk through that door.

The hope, happiness, despair, longing, relief, and...guilt. She looks so guilty. Saiya gets up and runs toward me. I hug her, but I feel the tension in her. The question. Is it her fault that I am where I am? 

"Ebony." She's crying now, tears running down her face. "Am I dreaming?"

I shake my head. "I'm here, I'm here." This makes her laugh, but it sounds like a cry. I can hear the guilt of it, the beg of forgiveness. "None of what happened is your fault." At that, her arms let go of me and she pulls herself away.

She looks away and at the boarded-up window. "It is. Everything I touch is destroyed. I destroyed the living room. I nearly destroyed you. I always knew I was dangerous. I didn't realize how much until you left."

Saiya sits on the windowsill, her eyes glimmering for unfallen tears. "I hit my mother with the Dark. She had to wrap herself in cloth to stop the bleeding and I was the one who did that to her." Her lip trembles. "I made my mother bleed."

"That wasn't you, Saiya," I say firmly. 

She doesn't move, just stares at the bits and pieces of the black sky that you can see through the window. "It was. I remember when Mother taught you had to use the Shadow powers. She said it was just the darker part of ourselves, which means that this is me. I wanted that destruction and I felt it inside of me. And I tried to stop it, but..."

"You always believed. That I was innocent and good. I saw the way you looked at me and it gave me hope that maybe I could be good. That I wasn't this evil twisted-up thing." She says the last word with distaste. "And you gave yourself up for me because I was too scared to pay for what I was responsible for. If I was good, I wouldn't have let you do it, would I? If any part of me was empathetic at all I wouldn't have let you do it."

"If you were evil why would I have given myself up for you in the first place? The truth is that none of us are good or evil. We are all different shades of grey. No one is perfect and no one is evil for the sake of being evil." I say. 

Saiya looks at me and for the first time without any guilt. She looks at me with another feeling one that I can't describe. But I know that it is a good feeling. It has no self-loathing. "Maybe." She mutters.

I go up to her and squeeze her hand. I don't want to give her false hope, but she needs it right now. "There is a man outside and he says he will be able to help you." My voice shakes a little, but the look that Saiya gives me is the brightest in the world.

"Is it Karpov?" 

"No. It's-It's a Sun boy. And I know that that might make you nervous, but he's not as bad as the rest of them." I promise, not even knowing if what I'm saying is true. Joshua confuses me more than the Inferno itself.

Saiya smiles. "Why would I be nervous just because he's a Sun?" She jumps out of my arms and nearly sprints to the door, opening it. I wince. Please, let this work. Please. I can't get the image out of my mind.

Her face, her darling face covered in hate. Hate for herself. Because of something she can't control. Oh please let this work. Let her love herself the way I love her. 

Then I follow Saiya and hope that Joshua has a plan.