Hello there,
We've spent quite a bit of time apart. The bitterness of your name no longer lingers in mind, and I am no longer angry with you.
Your name seemed to have been spewing out of my mouth at my last few therapy sessions. My therapist said that I was on my way to forgiveness if I was not already there. It's funny, I always said I had no grudge but I suppose I always did and just didn't want to admit that the ending of it all was my fault.
I don't recall how much time has passed since I started to feel this, but at times I find myself missing you. You were such a big part of my life and then all of a sudden one day you weren't.
You were a close friend to me turned stranger, but I feel it was for the better. The part of me that felt sorrow for our friendship gone sour quickly turned into anger at the thought of you. My body would tense up and I would've given anything to have punched you in the teeth.
Now when I think of you I think about the friend I lost, and friendship that would never be rekindled. Reaching out will cross my mind but ultimately I find it useless. Why would you care what I'm up to?
Why should I care about what you're up to? I don't quite understand these things, maybe when I grow up a bit more I'll come to terms that you meant something to me and I still care for you even if I don't want to.
For some reason I find myself unsatisfied with just the part of my life that you've still managed to lingered in. I always wonder if it's just a trauma response- losing my sister made me fear losing anyone ever again. And in some way maybe I'm realizing that I've lost you permanently and my brain is freaking out.
Maybe I'm just at a point of where I feel like another huge amount of change has taken its course in my life. That's one thing I always miss, sharing all of the changes we've been going through within our lives as we grow up.
I don't need you as a crutch to lean on, I don't need you to tell me I'll be okay, I don't need anything from you. But I want to share all of these exciting things with you. I want to be able to share excitement over life with you because I'm finally able to.
I wish things were different, but I don't want the past to change. I guess I wish that this wasn't still broken. I wish I could fix it but this isn't fixable anymore. It's destroyed and burned, there's nothing left of it.
And maybe I just have to be satisfied with that brokenness.
- Alexis
