I recently found this, unpublished and just sitting on my computer- ready to be posted. For some reason why I just couldn't post it. But now that I know I don't love him anymore, I can do it. I can talk freely about how the sadness outweighed the happiness he brought me. Below is everything I wanted to post (including the note before the letter).
I would like to apologize for not writing as much as I should. I'm just trying to get through it all. I can't believe I'm still writing about this boy and I'm sorry that this isn't really poetry, it's more so everything I wish I could tell him. I'm sorry if you can relate to loving and hating someone so much like this.
Dearest Love,
I can't move on. I just can't do it quite yet because I have nothing to offer.
I know it's been a while since you left, just a little over a year. I know I should be okay now and I should be looking forward to the beginning of the rest of my life but I can't.
I'm stuck at this point of where everything sucks and I want to scream for help at the top of my lungs because I'm drowning in all of these problems. I can't control any bit of it and I have to face it all by myself.
You used to be my person. Once upon a time you were the person I could tell every deep dark secret and every wish, but it seems as though you stopped caring the moment I realized that I had lost you forever. I'm not blaming you for the bad that's been going on, but I am blaming you for adding onto it. I tried my best, but it wasn't enough and that hurts more than you know because I gave you everything I had left. And it still wasn't enough for you.
You don't even know the littlest bit of what I've been through, and if I told you you wouldn't care because you're not my person anymore. And I want to be okay, I want to tell you about all the good things on in my life and I want to hear about the good things going on in yours. But there is nothing good going on in mine, so what am I supposed to say when you're making such great memories and the only good thing I can say about my day is that I got out of bed?
I can't move on because I'm still just trying to get myself out of bed most days, I'm still trying to get myself through life and I'm barely doing it. I can't move on because no one deserves to sit there and watch a person fall apart like you did and maybe that's part of the reason why you left- because watching a person break from afar is worse than watching it up close because you can't do anything about it.
I understand that I was selfish, and you were right. I should've been more independent and this is me being independent. This is me pulling through every problem I shouldn't have to face- I'm pulling through it all without anyone. And I'm still falling apart, and I fall apart every day.
I'm pulling through and all it has done is made me a bitter person who hates you some days because you broke so many promises and you were right. I'm a waste of time because I have nothing to offer to someone other than words.
I can write all the words I want but nothing seems to help because I still find myself hurting and some days I can't even bother to leave my bed. I wake up in the morning and I'm disappointed with how life has turned out for me.
The things I used to love don't interest me. And every once in a while I'll have a thought of you and all it does is make me sad.
I have been through so much more than just a break with a boy from the midwest. I have been through things that I still find hard to admit with myself. But I'm pulling through.
I'm pulling through it all regardless of how badly it hurts. I'm still waking up in the morning on the days where I don't want to be breathing. I'm just not ready to move on because I'm still learning to be independent, just like you said I should be.
Your's truly,
Her.
