Loki's fall (sequel to loss and Loki)

Even If The World Should End

"No honestly I literally haven't been near the fucking stuff okay? I'm clean for good y'know. Being good to my liver and that." I grinned as I pressed the phone between my ear and shoulder and took one last swig of the whiskey before screwing the cap on.

"No no, stay there I swear you're good. I don't need babysitting all the time i'm taking good care of myself-" I rolled my eyes, smiling despite Abby's fussing, as I finished up clipping my laundry onto the line.

"No I'm not alone okay. Steve was here for a few nights and i've been going out with Elle now and then. She's back here for a bit. I'm fine okay?" I sighed, collapsing onto the sofa as Abby's concerned voice rose a little, a hopeful hint in her tone that I was getting better.

I hated deceiving her like this. Her and Jack. Slowly convincing them I was healing, when in truth I was no less empty than the day I lost myself. I didn't think I ever would heal. Not after a loss like this, this pain so chronic and parasitic in its nature, that begged to be felt above all else. It begged to draw every hint of hope and every ounce of energy right through my heavy feet and slowly wound a cutting wire around the sickened, twisted shape of my soul.

It would never get any easier than this.

"Did little Rory get my gift?" I asked smirking. Stifling my laughter when Abby began trying to reprimand me through the phone, but her voice was shaky with a light laughing as I grinned and rolled my eyes.

"It was only a toy dagger set, Abby. You literally got him lightsabers and a foam sword! What do you mean...oh oh it's too realistic is it?" I tutted, walking back inside and slowly shutting the door behind me.

"Probably a good thing I didn't spray it with fake blood as well then righ- Oh my god I'm joking obviously I'd never do that!" I snorted, shaking my head as I plucked a coffee
mug off a nearby table, grimacing at the mouldy contents.

"Of course not. I'm the best Auntie the worlds ever seen...I- oh no don't worry about it Abby. I'm doing great stop worrying about me okay? Ok i'll let you go. Goodbye, love you all." I hung up the phone and let it drop as quickly as I did my forced smile. It was like all the strings tied tightly to me had been cut as soon as the phone line had, and I was quickly back in the same state I'd been for a couple of days. Lay there on my couch, limbs listless, staring at the ceiling as I stewed in my numb silence.

I hadn't been back in my room since coming home. Too much history, and too many artefacts from it. Too many sensations I wasn't hoping to feel again anytime soon.

With a sigh I buried my head into the couch, hoping it would maybe starve me of oxygen enough for me to get light headed enough I'd find myself just a little reprieve from the neverending ache I was paralysed with. But all it really did was blind me, reducing my sight to darkness and in turn, triggering my mind into conjuring some of its own imagery...imagery I didn't entirely welcome, with its painful memories and the sting of tears that threatened to scar my cheeks.

I almost wanted to cry again, if only for the warm comfort of allowing this beast of a throbbing agony, inside me, out for a little while. It seemed relieving in a way.

But I wouldn't let myself, and I hadn't since the day Id been given the news regarding...everything...

The simple reason for this being that...I was so damn shit at comfort and consoling. Once I started I'd never find the means to stop and I'd cry myself into exhaustion and fall asleep at the wrong time again. After I'd spent so long getting my schedule back on track.

I think I knew why.

I don't think I trusted myself enough to be vulnerable. Like no one before. My whole life, there'd been no voyeur for my cheap tears, and no heavy weight of an unfamiliar arm against my shoulder to calm their shaking. No one had seen such a fragile thing as my steely eyes reduced to a brittle shimmering glass as I was torn with a hollow pain, and half cut.