Loki's fall (sequel to loss and Loki)

Unexpexted Friends

It had been a week and a half since I'd spilled the painful truth to him in the kitchen. Eleven days since I'd walked away, vowing to never allow such weakness to befall me again. Two hundred and sixty four hours that I'd been purposefully ignoring him, avoiding all his advances, speaking to him in short clipped answers and turning away when his heavy stare  found mine in an intense, dark challenge....

Not that I was counting...

It had been a painful and irritatingly dissatisfying week, but I was willing to do whatever it took to make him realise he was better off without me, and I was better off without him. He hadn't curved yet but with every poisoned sneer and fatal smirk to hide the tension that pulled at him, I knew he was getting close.

I'd been distancing myself from Charlie as well, as much as I possibly could without alerting her suspicion. She was smart though, and every glance she threw my way bled with an underlying hurt and confusion that leaked out like the smudged mascara in the corner of her eye that would run sometimes. I would pretend I hadn't noticed as she quickly wiped it away but it would leave me in agony, begging for relief from the torture she'd handed me, that I'd caused.

God it hurt so much. It hurt like hell But I was willing to carry on. I'd hurt her, and let her look at me like that over and over until I could care less and less. Then when I was finally apathetic, I could send her away from me to get on with whatever life she'd dreamed about as a child. Then maybe I could save myself the true pain. The one that would surely come in the form of her lifeless eyes, staring widely into the distance as she died within my arms. Killed for her mere association with me as she'd seeked out a mentor, unfortunately for her finding one that was bound to get her killed, if I didn't kill her myself.

But it had been a week....

It had been a week and it still hurt me the same. God I'd gone so unbearably soft since finding myself at SHIELD. The younger form of me I both feared and hated laughed in my face at who I'd become. She spat on the ground before me and vowed to herself to never become so weak, so...feeling.

But I could never hate it like she did. I'd become far too addicted to the mere thought of being able to feel again. Even if, with every intoxicating peacefulness I was able to drown in, I'd find a subtle but resilient pain to submit to. Even if feeling made me inefficient. It was wrong, it was unnatural. But I didn't hate it. And so I had to destroy it.

"Not bad, Colton." I commented blankly, seeing the amateur spread she'd cast over the wall with each dagger she'd thrown at it. There was still barely any accuracy in her aim but at least she was getting the actual blades to stick in now, instead of bouncing the hilt off wall every time.

She eyed me warily at the name I'd addressed her with, looking again with that blatant emotion in her gaze and I bit my cheek as the aching wave rose up again. I'd recently discarded the use of a nickname when I addressed her and simply began throwing round her last name. Whether in effort to detach me or herself I didn't know, but all it seemed to be doing was leaving both of us with unrelenting, stinging wounds.

I looked away and shifted the hand I held on my hip, running my thumb over the deep scars in my stomach consistently like a conscious reminder to myself as I swallowed sourly and gestured for Charlie to retrieve the throwing knives and try again.

My wounds had healed pretty well without any trace of infection, and they'd healed fairly quickly thanks to Loki. But I still felt the scarred flesh throb every time my fingers brushed over them in the shower or getting changed, a constant reminder of their ugly presence, damning me to hell and revealing the undisguised truth of my bitterly unnatural idiosyncrasies.

I was shaken into alertness when the first thud sounded and I turned to see the knife lodged into the wall and a smirk on Charlie's face. The next knives flew threw the air in quick procession and scattered across the grey canvas, slightly closer to each other this time but still fairly wide spread. I nodded once, my face blank as I acknowledged her effort.