Stupid Feelings for Stupid Boys

Giving up (E.M)

Of all people, why are you the one that I can't stop thinking about? No matter what I do you're always there somehow. I just can't escape you. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to. And it's that part of me that always wins in the end.

Whenever I'm not around you I can control that part of me, and it's like I don't have any extra feelings for you. But then when we hang out all of that control goes flying out the window, and my feeling are all over the place. All I want to do is be around you yet I can't even find anything to say to you. I just sit there in silence. How can I have feelings for someone I hardly talk to? It makes no sense, and I hate it.

But no matter how much sense it doesn't make, I still feel this way. My heart feels like it's beating out of my chest when you're around.

I even allow myself to believe that you could feel the same way, but how could you? How could you possibly feel what I feel for you? There's no way. I'm just a girl to you. No one special. Just a person.

You felt that way for someone else though. I'm not sure I should say felt. I'm sure you still feel the same, even if you're giving up on her. There will always be a part of you that has feelings for her, and that won't go away. I know you're still holding out that hope that she'll feel the same things for you, even if you might deny it. She'll give you a glimmer of hope and you'll be under her spell in a heartbeat. That's how I am with you.

I see these small glimmers of hope that probably mean nothing to you. I'll catch your eyes and my heart will race when you were probably just taking a short glance. I'll make up these moments in my head or I'll be over analytical of any encounter we have. I'll lead myself on and then just end up heartbroken knowing that it's all just in my head, a figment of my imagination.

I live through fantasies of what it would be like to have you feel something for me. How would it be to have you say sweet things to me? Or to always want to be near me? What if I was her? What would that be like? 

All I can do is dream because I know that I have no chance whatsoever. She's everything and I'm just me. How could I compete with her? And why would I? I know you'd be happier with her than you would ever be with me. Why would I want to take that away from you? I'd rather step back and have you two work something out, no matter how much it would hurt me to see you together. All that would matter is that you're happy.

Even so, I don't want to feel this way. I just want to rid myself of these feelings because I know that I'll be hurt in the end. None of this makes sense to me, but it is what it is I guess. I'll just have to live through this until I can push all these feelings away because there's nothing I could do. It was a lost battle before I even realized it. I guess it's time for me to give up too.