Stupid Feelings for Stupid Boys

Soft spot (R.E.)

Where does our story even begin? The timeline is sketchy enough that even I'll get confused when things started happening. I know for a fact that when we talked as friends, I had a crush on you. Any new information I got about you made me like you more and more. I hoped that I wouldn't bore you with my babbling when I was so engaged in conversation with you.

Then you disappeared a couple times (you had valid reason looking back on it). But it made me worry that you didn't care as much about me as I did for you. So I shrugged it off; I hadn't let myself get too attached at that point. And then you started talking to me again, and you actually stuck around. By then, I knew I was a goner.

It wasn't just a crush this time around. The feelings I had for you were real, and for the first time I wasn't scared; it was exciting and new. The only thing I wanted to do was talk to you and find ways to spend time with you. I didn't try to hide my feelings, but I also tried to avoid outright saying how I felt. I remember making a promise to myself that I wouldn't tell you how I felt unless you told me how, or what, you felt for me. Of course, though, you made me break that promise. You got me to admit my feelings and then you followed suit. And that was the beginning...

Oh, the honeymoon stage. You made me so unbelievably happy. Being with you felt right. I could talk to you about anything and everything; there was nothing I wanted to hide from you. I was basically an open book to you. And I loved hearing you talk about how your day was and the references you'd make. I got to learn aspects of your personality that I'd never seen, or known about before, and that made my feelings for you grow all the more.

You were my first real love, the first boy that I said "I love you" to. I knew that the people before you were nothing in comparison. The feelings I thought I had for them didn't even come close to what I felt for you. You were everything to me. You'd become my best friend.

And then... we broke up. It was for all the right reasons: we weren't ready for the responsibility of a relationship. Even though I knew that what we were doing was right, it still hurt. I had tried to hold myself together for a while, convincing myself to focus on the positives. I was in denial. Once I finally let myself feel the loss, I was devastated. Your absence took a huge toll on me and I felt like a different person. I missed you and what we had so much.

After a while, I started to feel like myself again and I wondered how you were doing. I checked in on you and when you talked to me I felt like you wanted to pick up where we had left off. I didn't think that I could do that and we agreed to continue as friends. But, that didn't mean I had turned off my feelings for you, they were still there. You, on the other hand, made it seem like you'd just flicked a switch and suddenly your feelings were gone. That hurt in a way I didn't think it would and I lashed out on you. I wanted to be friends with potential, and it felt like you wanted to squash that potential. I didn't want to put myself through that, so I told myself (and you) I was done. I dropped off old letters at your house and said that gesture would be the end to our story.

The thing is, I can't find it in myself to end this story with you. It's like with my favorite books when I'm done reading them I'll always go back to them because I just love them so much. No matter how many times I've read it I just keep going and reading it again. That's what it's like with you. I can't seem to be done with you. I'm always going to have that soft spot for you. You changed me without even realizing it, and I'm so glad that we had that time together. You were MY special person, and I miss you. I know that you may not feel the things you felt before and that's okay. I just really want you in my life, in whatever way I can have you. So, what do you say?