Collateral Damage (bxb)

18. Stitches Undone

A.N. This chapter begins from the perspective of Aidan.

Ian left for the shower ten minutes ago, and I still don't know what he's doing in there. Maybe I am too used to taking short and efficient showers? I haven't found any pleasure in taking a long shower, but I understand Wolf's need to take an extended ice bath after a day of activity and using his powers even if it was for a moment, it is a necessity. These little pleasures of life escape me, and I understand why - I have been trying to get this over with, and it has been seven years of me going through with it. At the start, it was difficult, but I kept notes. We tried many things to finish what Ethan started and all have failed.

Fuck, maybe I am overthinking this a bit too much. He said to never get too attached to these things, so why shouldn't I indulge myself now, try to enjoy these moments before it is over? ... Well... Ian was one of those indulgences that led me to take the pills.

He... What is he now after all that was done? Why am I so scared to say his name? He isn't listening to me now and even after the effect starts to wear off it'll be hard for him to listen in on my thoughts, but I don't want the effect to wear off until the deed is done.

"...Peter..." I whisper to myself, after holding my breath in case he can see through my senses. There is tension, anticipation in my chest, but it doesn't come to an end. "Peter," I say louder, expecting him to berate me for revealing his name to the empty room.

I don't know why he's been so sensitive about it ever since I took the mantle of Phase. Everything I had done was for him, all of the little things were to make him feel better about our situation, all of the horrible things I had done... Then I noticed that I had the gun in my hand, a subconscious action. How many times had I pulled the trigger for him? Did I do it for him or was it me who wanted to do it, and I just try to justify it to prove to myself that I am not a monster and he's the real monster?

We are here to rest for the night, this isn't a stakeout, this is not us hiding from a bunch of goons. I put the gun on the little coffee table and my jacket on top of it, making sure that the chess piece was in my jean pocket. There won't be a reason for us to worry, you are just being paranoid, Aidan, yet I can't shake the feeling that there is something wrong, something horrible at play.

I take my thoughts back to Ian, trying to not worry too much about my situation. Everything will resolve itself, this is how it was meant to be, but what will happen to Ian? He is a newly discovered mental in the watchful eyes of the SBC... his life doesn't look so good moving forward. I don't want him to go through everything that we have gone through. Hiding and surviving isn't living, and I am surprised that he hasn't broken down yet. Maybe the reality of the situation still hasn't hit him?

In a way, I am glad that I met him, but also I am upset. Why did Peter go against my wishes to help him? It's not like we or I would have gotten hurt. It's not right! Everything, this life, the world, the SBC, everything! Ian, fuck, I don't know what to do... What if I ask Angel to take him in after everything blows over? I won't be around... The thought makes my stomach twist into a knot, not being able to be there and see him be free and happy.

Wait, what is that feeling? Did I get too attached to this guy? Was this what Peter warned me about? I mean, he has more reasons to be upset, but I am getting attached... Well... this rule started after Phase - I killed Sebastian... We killed him, but it feels like it was all my fault. I didn't know how these pills worked, how my connection to Peter worked, and many other things. If I just had... and if... "Ugh..." I groan, taking my face into my palms, but I try to distract myself, "What is he doing in there?" Did Ian slip and fall in the shower, hurting himself?