Love Potion

Dagger Love

Having Kenzie cheat me did not shatter my heart, but it most certainly bruised it.

I had spent the rest of ball night crying in various places in the castle. First outside the classroom where the deadly deed was done, still feeling the distant reverberates from the hall, and then in various corridors as I stumbled aimlessly, and then in the soggy courtyard, and finally in my pillow in the bedchambers. Lying there, crying in my fancy stolen dress. That my date I had just seen kissing his ex-lover stole with me. What a picture I was. What a clown I had made to be. That's what this stupid dress was; a clown costume.

I had no dream that night. I believe my mind was far too tired for it. When I woke my eyes were still puffy and sour. My dress was plastered to me and my face was a molten mess of blue and sparkles. I choked up just looking in the mirror. I couldn't believe I had missed half of the ball for this. I didn't even know who won Most Marvellous.

As I had a much earlier night than the others, I woke before they had even stirred. Persephone, Morgaine, Mollis, Pip, Tamsin, (the devil!) Tatiana... they were all tossed groggily over their beds, still in their ball dresses, like discarded dolls, deeply sleeping. They didn't know what had happened to me, I thought. And,Tatiana, how could you so carelessly sleep when you committed such an act of greed against a person who has done you no wrong?

I cleaned myself up with vacancy. It was a weekend now - no clanging of pots and pans, no expectations. No one would be awake now. I would have a blessedly hollow morning.

I wandered the empty castle alone. It was lovely. Brisk and cold and quiet. I was in ghost town. I wore no shoes, nothing but my fighting clothes - I had half an idea to go and stab and punch a way out of my misery in the dojo. But first, I would wander, and I would be cold. Delightfully cold. It helped distract me from mind's dull agony that throbbed.

It wasn't even as if I loved Kenzie, wasn't wretchedly broken because he still loved Tatiana and not me or some crap. I just felt betrayed. He had lead me on and trusted me he and Tatiana were over. He had spent the day in Day Vale with me and he had asked me to the ball and he had kissed me and he had held my hand and had let me believe that he and his intentions were pure. He had let me believe he was smitten, and he had let me try something with him because of it. And now he had kissed her, the devil, when my back was turned.

But what were you doing? the shadow of my mind whispered. Were you not dancing with Killian Viper as the crime was committed? Were you not hoping he would kiss you, like Kenzie kissed Tatiana? Were you not loving him?

I slumped onto the floor. I was back at the courtyard, and rain was dripping and drizzling. I let it fall on me and freeze me. This was awful. This was a game of hearts, of playing with the wrong ones and ignoring yours, so no one wins and everyone loses.

I closed my eyes and cried with the rain.

*

I'm now in the dojo. It's a roomy place, smelling of the old and dry and with very creaky floorboards - this was traditional, so that anyone entering would be immediately heard. It has mellow crisscrossed windows and a faintly glow. There are mats on the floor and lots of cut-up, battered wooden dummies. 

I stood before one now. I have daggers in both of my hands. I'm alone here. I can cut up this stupid dummy and pretend like I'm a pirate with no one judging. I see Kenzie in its fractured grainy face as I slash it and slash it and cut it. I stab and punch and kick the dummy and I'm the most highly trained assassin in the world. I toss my hair and spin with my daggers and I become the Maneater, the beautiful, ruthless pirate assassin with a thousand gizro bounty on her head, and slayer of a hundred cheating men.