Forgotten Love [Loki x reader] (Part 2)

Chapter 16

-- your POV -- 

It's been an actual hell since the time we finally had sex again. Not because it got weird between us - I mean yeah, that's kind of shit too but it's because of what almost slipped out of my mouth a week ago.

I was about to fall asleep in his arms when I first thought and almost said it. I immediately was wide awaken and it took every single muscle and control in me to not snap up. Still, I think he noticed that something was wrong but he didn't say anything.

And either way, it's not like it's actually true, is it? I mean, yes I wouldn't want anyone else to be here with me and he cares so much about me and when he looks at me with his blue eyes I feel good, wanted, lov- no not that, I feel appreciated and I feel like he doesn't want anyone else to be here with him either.

But it's not Love. I would know that, wouldn't I? Isn't it like the books always say? Shouldn't there be a special moment when I exactly know that I'm In love? And can Loki even be loved? He's done some pretty shit and all that but he's not actually bad but can he be loved? And an even bigger question; Can Loki Love back?

I shake my head. Why would I think of that? It's not like those words, that won't leave my head, are true. So why would I care? Why does my heart start pounding fast when I think that Loki is not able to Love back? And why does my heart ache when I think of the time when we head back to New York and probably never see each other again?

At least that's something that is true; I don't want to loose Loki. He's done so much for me, even though not everything was necessarily good back then. He's a nice friend, the best I've ever had and he actual cares about me.

-Loki: "Hey. Are you alright?"

He comes towards me. Currently I'm sitting at the ocean. I just can't sleep properly after that one night. So, i took a Book and two blankets and walked down to the ocean. And that's where I'm sitting. I actually wanted to read that book but my thoughts got lost and I couldn't concentrate. Loki finds me while I was staring at the ocean, book in hand but laid on my lap.

-Y/n: "Hm? Yeah, yeah I'm alright." I snap out of my thoughts and look up to him. "Why would you ask?"

Loki looks away from me and towards the ocean. An uncomfortable silence spreads around but it's covered by the noise of the ocean, the noise that the waves make when they break. I copy his action and stare also at the ocean. It has something that calms me so much, even in a situation like that, where I can't trust my mouth and should have an anxiety attack because Loki senses that something isn't actually right. Then he sighs loudly.

-Loki: "You're behaving weirdly."

By the time I look back to him he's already  staring at me. I study his face a little. It's full of concern and that makes me uneasy. When he doesn't get an answer, because I really don't know what to say to that, he speaks again.

-Loki: "Did I do something wrong? Did I go too far when we had sex?"

And then it hits me. He did definitely notice that something was wrong, but he thinks it's because of the sex. He thinks he did something terribly wrong and that's why I behave so weirdly, how he would say. Immediately I shake my head.

-Y/n: "No. no. You did everything right, I loved it." Yep, I can't trust my mouth.

As soon as I said the word, I regretted to even open it up in the first place. I should've ended the conversation with the shake of my head and concentrate back on the book, what I have no idea what it's about. And Loki must sense it again. He sits down next to me and my heart starts pounding really fast. I hope he doesn't hear it.

-Loki: "Are you sure?" Thank god, he doesn't rely on that one word.

-Y/n: "Yes, I've Never been so sure in my entire life." I give him a warm smile and look back towards the ocean.

-Loki: "What is it then?" I look back towards him.

-Y/n: "Hm?"

-Loki: "As I said, you're behaving differently since that night and there must be a reason. Don't think I don't notice that you barely sleep and that you've been trying to avoid me." Oh, so I've been that obvious. I let out a huff and shake my head.

-Y/n: "It's nothing, really."

-Loki: "I don't believe you. You can tell me what's wrong, I won't judge." I look into his ice blue eyes and I can really see the concern but also the trust.

-Y/n: "I'm just thinking about that this time has to end somewhen." It's not completely a lie. I've been thinking about that too, honestly. But I can't stand looking into his eyes any longer, so naturally my eyes land back on the ocean.

-Loki: "I've told you that we can stay as long as you'd wish."

He lays a comfortable hand on my shoulder and caresses me with his thumb. And of course my eyes land on his hand and of course my heart pounds even faster and of-fucking-corse my head thinks those stupid words again. I clear my throat that has just been closing up on its own and speak, hoping it doesn't sound like I feel; panicked.

-Y/n: "I know but everything has to end somewhen. I have responsibilities in New York that I haven't taken care of since, you know, everything happened. I- I need to quit my job and I have to get my stuff back somehow and I need to get a flat. God, I don't even have a place to live now. There's so much I need to-"

He suddenly kisses me. We haven't kissed since that night and it leaves me speechless. It's this new kind of kiss again, that one that I can't tell why it feels so different. When he stops he doesn't go far away, he stays a few inches away from my face but it's close enough that I can feel his breath on my lips.

-Loki: "I've taken care of most of those things." He says carefully to not break the tension but of course I had to break it.

-Y/n: "What?" I almost yell and make the difference between us even bigger. Loki actually has to smile.

-Loki: "When we came here I talked to Tony and told him to take care of some of this stuff. I figured that you probably don't want to keep working where you worked at, so Tony quit for you and I told him to get your stuff out of the apartment. That was actually a bit complicated because we didn't know where you lived but Tony took care of that too. It's all in your room at the headquarters already and waits for you."

My mouth hangs open. He did what? And Tony helped him? Wait what? Am I dreaming? Was I so tired that i fell asleep at the beach? Those words keep racing, actually racing through my head and it takes everything in me to not yell them straight out into the world.

-Loki: "You know I'm not really good at it neither but that would be a good time to thank me." He teased and god, oh god no. Don't talk, just don't open your mouth. It'll all go completely wrong if you open your mouth now. But of course.

-Y/n: "I-" okay, get your shit together, come on. "Thank you." I manage very slowly.

-Loki: "You're welcome." He smirks and I just nod and look back at the ocean, feeling embarrassed and the situation gets awkward again. "I'll go back to our house."

I nod and he stands up and goes away. I feel like I can breath normal again. It shouldn't be like that, should it? If I would be in love with him - which I think is still ridiculous - shouldn't it be easy to be around? Shouldn't I feel good and happy and save? In that one week I didn't really feel any of those feelings. Whenever Loki is around I'm afraid that my mouth just says those stupid words and that frustrates me. But even when I'm just casually saying them, they mean nothing. Why do people even need to say that? I shake my head and try to finally concentrate on the book which lays in my lap.

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We're getting close to the end.