For the Love of God

ο | fifteen

A COWARD. That was a fitting label for me.

I feared I wouldn't be able to survive another heartbreak even though I knew it was coming. I didn't want my heart to ache and scream for relief from the shackles of broken dreams and punctured holes in my blanket of happiness. Every day since I'd admitted my feelings to Ivan, I wished I hadn't had that sudden urge of confidence that put me on the road to heartbreak. Would it have hurt less if those feelings had died within the confines of me, parched of love and attention, weak from screaming in loneliness? Would it have hurt less if I hadn't given him my heart in one hand and placed a knife in another?

Heartbreak wasn't something as gentle and light as breaking. Heartbreak was shredding your happiness to dust, hammering your fragile heart of glass into a thousand million pieces until it seemed almost impossible to fix and twisting a knife into your body whenever you heard a familiar laugh or name. It was brutal, agonizing and tormenting; an illusion of being prisoned in unhappiness for a lifetime. It took tremendous strength and time to break that illusion and get over it. I didn't think I had anymore of that energy to spare. I was tired.

When I glanced at Tyhi, he looked miserable. But in spite of that, he cracked a smile in resonance with the crack in his heart. "I understand," he said.

No, you don't, I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him that I was madly in love with him and I was speechless at how it had taken less than a week to make me feel so strongly towards him. I wanted to kiss him and show him how much I wanted him to touch me, hold me and love me.

I was too selfish and cowardly to admit it.

"I'm sorry, Tyhi," I murmured again. "Will you forgive me?"

He wiped a thumb under my eyes and gave me a small smile, tinged with sadness. "I know that by breaking my heart, you are breaking yours too."

At that moment, I flung my arms around him and wept like a child. He gently smoothed my hair. "I understand your reasons and it's alright. I went through a war in my head as well when I realised I loved you but then I thought that I would end up in pain either way. If I admitted my love and you returned the same, I would be heartbroken when you leave. If I didn't, I would be heartbroken that I didn't give myself a chance to love you. It was hell either way."

"So, you chose to love me while you still could," I whispered and he nodded with a faraway look in his eyes.

"You know, Aphrodite called you a coward. But I think you are really brave," I mumbled into his chest.

"I think cowardice and bravery are subjective. A person who fears spiders might think bravely of someone who doesn't. But those who are unafraid of the eight-legged insects might squirm at the sight of blood. So who would you call brave here, and who the coward?"

"I've never thought of it this way," I mumbled.

After a long minute of soaking silence, he sighed and looked up. "The moon looks sad today," he said, almost to himself.

I agreed as a tear fell from my eye. "It is. I wish I could make it better."

His thumb left lingering kisses on my temple. "You already do."

With dismay, I realized that I would never find a man like Tyhi and that he wasn't fated to be mine. Tyhi's Aunt told us she was going to bed and that we should as well. We thanked her for her kindness and sat there, leaning against each other, gazing at the dull radiance of the moon until I felt my eyes turn heavy.

"Get some rest," Tyhi said, leading me to where a temporary bedding was rolled out on the floor.

I patted the edge of his sleeping area. "You too," I whispered.