To have and to Hold

shadows of the past

Adam and Rachel decided it was better not to say anything about the pregnancy until they returned from New York, So Rachel could visit her doctor later that week, to get it officially confirmed.

Getting this little detail out of the way, Adam then decided it was time to pay a visit to his father, and let him know the good news.

Lynn was with Robert Maxwell when Rachel and Adam called on him, and Rachel found herself wishing that Adam did not look quite so smug when he told Robert he was about to become a grandfather again, because Rachel was pregnant

Rachel imagined Lynn probably was not overjoyed at the news, but for once she didn't really care about what the woman was thinking, instead she found herself more interested in her father-in-laws reaction.

The news had a wonderful effect on him he seem to positively light up, becoming more animated than Rachel had ever seen him. She knew losing his Son Kevin his other grandchildren had taken a toll on him, and his health had been spiralling downwards.

But Rachel found herself hoping that this good news that he was to become a grandfather again, would give him the strength to want to go on, and give him something to fight for.

Seeing his happy reaction in response to the announcement, lifted her heart, because she felt sure she had achieved that goal at least, and that's was all that mattered.

""Y'know I am glad that I fell pregnant now, rather than a few months ago" Rachel confessed as she and Adam drove home later that evening.

"Why is that?" Adam enquired taking his eyes of the road in front of him as he glanced around at her with curiosity

"Well, to be honest, I was still a bit uneasy with the idea this child would be brought into existence just to solve your problems with your stepfamily. And although that is still partly the reason, I like to think it was more out of love, than anything else, now I won't feel quite so guilty when he or she, is born" she smiled

"I never realised that it bothered you that much," Adam replied, "But now I am glad it has turned out this way too,"

"Well I think it is important that a should child feel wanted and loved. Believe me I know what damage it can do if that is not the case"

"I am taking it you are talking about your own personal experience?" Adam realised with a small frown

"Yes," Rachel reflected quietly, "I was always being told by my mother that I was a mistake, and I was just a burden, that it was my fault her life was all screwed up because my father left her"

"I am sure she didn't really mean it," Adam attempted to comfort Rachel, but at the same time he was a little disturbed, that as a child, Rachel had to suffer this kind of verbal abuse from the one person who was suppose to protect and love her.

Rachel shrugged, "Perhaps not. A lot of the time she was out of her mind when she said it, with drink and drugs, maybe she didn't realise what she was saying, or else it was how she really felt deep down inside about me, God only knows I tried to make up for it by taking care of her as much as I could. But I don't think it was ever enough" she sighed.

"It was not your fault," Adam told her as he caught her sad expression, "You were only a child for god sake, with all that burden on your shoulders that even an adult would find hard to cope with, I am only amazed you have turned out to be such a wonderful young woman"

Rachel laughed "You don't have to say that just to make me feel better"

"I am not, I mean it." Adam replied solemnly, "It is something I have always admired about you Rach, it is your strength to survive, despite the odds being against you, and becoming a good person. Your mother might not have appreciated that she give birth to you, but I am thankful for it every day"