It Just Happened

31. Under Your Scars

 Do we make sense, I think we do/ In spite of everything that we've been through/ Oh and you say black and I say white/ It's not about who's wrong/ As long as it feels right/ Don't think those stars won't align

Under your scars I pray/ You're like a shooting star in the rain/ You're everything that feels like home to me, yeah/ Under your scars, I could live inside you time after time/ If you'd only let me live inside of mine/ Live inside of mine- Godsmack (Under Your Scars)

                                                                                       Lucas

How could I say no when he asked me to stay. It's really fucking hard to deny him anything. If he told me to stay away, I would. It would probably kill me, but I would do it for him. That's how much I love this cocky son of a bitch. Doctor Steele is very optimistic about Jax regaining his memories. The swelling in his brain is almost gone but looks like he will be here for another few days.

When I look in his eyes and see how vulnerable he looks, it kills me.  I trace the cut on his head from when he hit his head. He closes his eyes, and I know my Jaxon is here. Even if he can't remember, I can't deny the way he reacts to my touch.

"I'm not going anywhere Jaxon." His eyes spring open, like he's surprised by what I said.

"Really" I chuckle, and it feels good to feel anything but despair. I move his hair out of his face. "There's nowhere else I rather be Jaxon."

"C-can you lay down next to me."

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you." He nods his head and I get up and lay next to him. Jaxon lays his head on my chest. "This feels nice Lucas." I hum as I run my fingers through his hair. Jaxon yawns and cautiously puts an arm around my waist. "Gets some rest Jax."

"I don't want to. I've been asleep for too fucking long. I need to remember."

"You will I promise." I go to kiss his head, but he lifts his head up and I kiss his lips. I pull away because I don't know what to do under these circumstances.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not Lucas. I want to," he shakes his head. "No, I need to Lucas. I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind if you don't kiss me."

Thank God! I guess it could be worse, at least he still wants me. At least I hope he does. 

I cup his cheek and lean down and kiss him again. He sucks on my bottom lip. I open my mouth and he slip his tongue in. I lose control because I'm desperate to have him remember. I suck on his tongue like he loves, and he moans. Fuck I have to stop before I can't. I slowly pull back and put my forehead to his and let out a breath.

"Is it always that intense." Jax asks with another yawn.

"So much more. Get some sleep, I'll be here when you wake up." I kiss his head and run my fingers through his hair again. No sooner do I say that I hear light snores coming from him. The only bad thing about that is my mind wonders to all the bad shit that's happened. I hear the door creak open, and Kate pokes her head in. When she sees us, she smiles. I try to smile back but it falters. I remove myself from his hold and make sure he's comfortable. I walk over to Kate, and she pulls me into a hug.

"Does this mean he remembers?" I shake my head and feel like I am going to break. "No, he's had a couple of flashes but that's it so far."

"Well, you keep doing what you're doing. He'll come around, I just know it."

"What if he doesn't?"

I don't want to think like this, but I can't help it. It feels like a brick that weighs a ton, crushing my chest. It's getting harder to breathe every second that Jaxon is like this.

What if he remembers and then decides he doesn't want me anymore. That would literally break my heart into a million fucking pieces. 

Kate places a hand on my cheek, "Lucas we all have scars. You, with your family." I wince at that, but she holds me in place. "Now Jaxon with his injuries. Sometimes it takes those scars a little longer to heal then others. But Lucas they will eventually heal." She pulls me back into a hug, and it takes everything in me not to break down.

"Jaxon loves you Lucas, he just doesn't remember right now. Sometimes actions speak louder than words." She kisses my forehead then tells me she'll be back later. I sit in the chair and wonder if she is right. As soon as I start drifting off, I hear Jaxon whimper. I get up and see him gripping the bed tight.

"Jaxon it's okay."

"Lucas!" he yells and bolts right up looking frantic. I want to pull him up against me, but not sure what to do. When he looks at me his eyes harden. "Why the fuck did you leave me?"

"I didn't, I've been here the whole time."

"No asshole!" For a moment he sounds just like before. The thing is there is so much pain in his eyes. "I'm talking about fucking me and then leaving me."

"The park? Do you remember anything beforehand?"

"No, but that's beside the point!" He yells and I do everything to calm myself down. "You just wanted to fuck with me, didn't you?"

I didn't mean to, but I snapped. "You want to remember don't you. Well, let me enlighten you." I take a step closer, and I can see the confusion there but I'm not thinking rationally. "I was fucking hurt Jax. I said something and it was a mistake, but at least I didn't go off and fuck someone else." I shake my head because I don't want to dwell on the past. "I realized that day that I loved you so yeah I fucked up because I was hurt." I go to sit down but he grabs my hand and pulls himself up. "What the fuck are you doing Jaxon? You're going to hurt yourself."

"Shut up!"

"Are you fucking kidding me right now Jax." I swear I could throttle him right now. He has a faraway look in his eyes. His hands start shaking and I hold him steady.

"I'm sorry Lucas, I was hurt also." My heart starts hammering hard in my chest.

"Do you remember?"

"Only that I feel it. I don't remember everything, but I feel it here." He puts my hand on his heart that's beating as fast as mine. "I just keep seeing the look on your face as you open the door to my room. I remember fucking her because I felt hurt. I don't remember what made me do that." He still has my hand on his chest above his heart. "Please be patient with me Lucas. I don't want to lose this feeling I have for you."

Before I can say anything, he crashes his lips to mine. As we are kissing, my mind keeps wondering...is he only going to remember the bad moments between us.

Do the scars run too deep that they can't be mended?

God, I hope not.