It Just Happened

52. Guilt & Relief

                                                                                        Jaxon

Guilt, it's what I feel every time I look at Lucas. He could have died because of me. All because I listened to George, thinking he was helping us. I am the biggest idiot in the world, but at the same time I'm relieved. It's all over and Lucas made it through everything...that we made it through all this. When they were trying to revive Lucas, it felt like a part of me was dying. I never thought anything like that was possible, but apparently it can happen. But at this very moment I want to strangle my boyfriend, because he is being so damn difficult.

"I'm not staying in here another fucking day Jaxon."

Do not hit him...do not fucking hit him. The asshole almost died for God's sake, but if he doesn't stop his bitching, I just might kill him and bring him back just to torture his ass.

"I'm tired of fucking hospitals, just take me home." He threw the cup across the room. I get his frustrations. I do but fuck I'm ready to pull my hair out. I go to pick up the cup and turn around to glare at my stubborn ass boyfriend.

"You are going to lay in that bed and do as you are fucking told."

"But I..."

"I, nothing Lucas! You almost fucking died! For a second time!" I yell as my hands begin to shake. "I've been stuck in here for a fucking month Jaxon. I swear if Craig wasn't dead, I'd kill him myself. Stupid fucking psychotic bastard!"

When Craig shot Lucas, Jenkins shot him, he died instantly from a bullet to the head. Wish the bastard suffered more, after the hell he put us through. I shake my head trying to forget the look on Lucas's face as I realized he was shot. That was even scarier than when we went over the bridge. I almost lost him...I could have lost him. My heart aches just thinking about it, and that's when the guilt settles in.

"Well, it should have been me. If your dumbass didn't have to play fucking hero. It would have been me instead of you. Like it should have been."

"Jaxon I..."

"I'll be right back. I need some air."

I don't look at Lucas because it makes me feel more guilty as I head out the door. As I turn around the corner I run into Nate. He has been here visiting nonstop both Lucas and Sheila as she is in the rehabilitation ward. I would like to think that Lucas is starting to accept Nate being in his life. Because at this point I don't see Nate going anywhere. Maybe, just maybe he can talk some sense into his stubborn ass son.

"Where's the fire Jax?"

"I need air."

I think I finally understand Lucas's panic attacks, because I feel like I am having one. My chest constricts as I desperately try to catch my breath. Will this pain ever end? "Is Lucas alright?" I nod my head because I can't seem to get words out.

"Okay is your mom or dad here? I know Kate hasn't really wanted to leave either of you alone."

"Cafeteria." I manage to say and take a deep breath, but it hurts to do that. "Sit down and I'll go get her and I'll be right back." I sit down and try to control my breathing and then I hear someone sit next to me. I look up to see Nate and I give him a confused look.

"Kate was on her way to Lucas's room and you could hear him yelling your name. She went in to calm him down. So, you want to tell me what's going on? I might be able to help."

"The guilt is killing me. I'm the reason Lucas is in here." Nate shakes his head and chuckles a little bit. Which in return has me glaring at him. Why the hell does he think this is funny? "Calm down Jax. It's not your fault, it's Craig's. May he rot in hell. I was laughing because I know how you feel."

"You do."

He nods his head and pats me on the shoulder. "I feel the guilt of it all. If I tried harder to find Sheila all of this could have been prevented. Then Lucas and my sweet baby girl Kayla, god how I wish I got to meet her." His expression turns to one of pain and I can relate to how he feels.

"She was one of the best people I have ever known." I say as I feel a tear escape and fall down my cheek. "So, I have been told. If I was there, they wouldn't had to deal with any of the crap. Craig brought so much pain and misery into that household. Then Lucas may not have ended up here today."

"You don't know that." Nate raises an eyebrow and smirks at me, like I just figured it all out.  I hate that him and Lucas are so much alike. I wish it was that simple, but I understand what he's saying. "Okay I understand what you are saying."

"Guilt will eat at your soul if you let it Jaxon. I know I did it for years. But now I have another chance to make it right. You love my son, right?" I roll my eyes and this time he really laughs. I also feel myself crack a smile. "That is the stupidest fucking question I have ever heard. Of course, I do."

"I know that man in there." He points down the hall where Lucas is. "Loves you so much that he was willing to die for you."

"I would have done the same." I say above a whisper.

"I thought so. If you let the guilt eat at you, it can tear you two apart. Don't make the same mistake I made. Now let's go see my son before he tears this whole place down. He can be a hothead sometimes." More than sometimes, I smile to myself. Nate stands up and puts his hand out, and I take it as he helps me stand.

"That he can be. Thank you, Nate."

"Anytime, son." He pulls me into a hug, and I gladly let him. When we start walking towards the room, I hear Lucas's frantic voice. "I pushed him away Kate. I'm a fucking idiot! Why do I always sabotage everything!"

Shit! This is not good.

Lucas can be destructive when he goes down this path. I walk into the room and see his eyes land on me. My breath catches in my throat at the pain I see in his eyes.

"J-Jaxon"

My mom comes up to me and gives me a hug. "We'll wait outside for a little bit. Your father will be on his way shortly. I'll have him bring food, God knows how awful hospital food is."

"Thank you" I say to both of them. Nate turns around and looks at us when he gets to the door. "Remember what I said Jaxon." I nod my head and smile. Once they leave, I turn around and walk over to Lucas. He goes to open his mouth, but I press my finger to it to silence him. I sit on his bed and grab his hand. I start tracing patterns on it as I stare at his hands. I'm too afraid to look him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry Lucas. I should have talked instead of walking out like that. I was so fucking scared when you flat lined. Watching them try to bring you back almost killed me." I finally look into his eyes. "I felt so fucking helpless and guilty."

"But it's not..."

"I know, Nate reminded me that it's not my fault. It's not yours either Lucas." I take a deep breath, "I don't want either of us to let the guilt eat at us."

"Come here babe."

I lay down next to Lucas and he runs his hand up and down my arm. "I feel relief that this is over Jax.  And yes, I do feel guilt over the fucked up shit my life has done to you...to us. But now we can finally start our lives without all this crazy chaos." He kisses my forehead and chuckles into my hair.

"What's so funny?"

"You ready for our lives to be boring as fuck?" I can't help but laugh with him. No matter what, he always knows how to make me smile. "Our lives could never be boring asshole." I smirk at him as he leans down and kisses me.

"That's for damn sure my cocky son of a bitch."