It Just Happened

41. Bad Memories

                                                                                  Lucas

I'll admit it now that this is a very bad idea, I still can't believe that happened. The past three days have been torture, I have tried everything to make him cave. But every fucking time I get him hard he goes limp now.  Is this part of the game? Maybe he just doesn't want me anymore. I shake those dark thoughts out of my head. This is fucking ridiculous! I even tried to distract myself by doing different activities such as a helicopter ride around the island. We went snorkeling and played a game of football with some other people on the beach. It just didn't distract me enough from my inner demons.

So, I decided to stop trying and now I'm miserable. It was fun when we first made the bet, but not so much anymore. I'm so fucking horny plus my damn insecurities from my past come back to haunt me. I need to get out of here and clear my head before I snap. I feel Jaxon's arm caress my chest and I jump out of bed. He lifts his head up to look at me. "What's wrong?" He has a smug look on his face, and I just want to rip his head off. How can he not be affected by this?

"Nothing." I put on some shorts and a tank top. I grab my socks and shoes and put them on.

"What are you doing Lucas?"

"I'm going out, what does it fucking look like!" I snap at him, and he arches an eyebrow at me. "Someone is moody." I don't look at him I just get up. My stupid Father's words echoing in my head.

"You'll never be anything."

"You are such a fucking disgrace to this family."

"No one's going to want a stupid shit like you!"

"I'll teach you how to be a real man, and not a whiny little bitch."

I can still feel the first punch from him. Then when he thought I needed a good punishment, he would throw me in the closet. I would be locked in there for hours. Hours alone with my thoughts and torment my father put me through was never good. So now all my insecurities of what that man put me through, has come back to haunt me.

"I need to go." Jaxon gets out of bed and walks towards me and puts his hand on my shoulder, but I shrug it off. "Don't Jaxon. Not now!" I don't see the hurt look on his face as I head to the door. I don't pay attention to anything but the shit my father has done to me over the years. I don't want to feel like this, and I definitely don't want to take it out on Jaxon, but I kind of am.

"Where are you going?" he asks with concern laced in his voice. "The gym" Then I leave, I practically run all the way there. I head straight for the bag. I hit the bag hard and fast.

"Trouble in paradise."

"Fuck off Chris!" I keep hitting the bag with every bad memory that comes to the front of my mind.

"I never wanted kids you know that."

"You're just a fucking nuisance ruining my career."

"You are a pain in my ass."

"Your mother should have had an abortion."

"Your own parents don't want you, what makes you think someone else ever would? "

"Kayla just feels sorry for you, no one really loves you."

I got the shit beat out of me for lashing out. I knew Kayla loved me, she's probably the only one that truly did. I did everything right, stayed out of trouble, got good grades. It just wasn't enough...I wasn't enough. Now I'm not enough for Jaxon. I know in my heart it's not true, but my head is fucking with me. Right now, it doesn't feel like I can do anything right, I feel... useless. My breathing becomes shallow as I try to hit the bag again and again. I pretend it's my father and I take my frustrations out as best as I could, without screaming from the top of my lungs.