Is This Our Second Chance

Chapter 7

I can't help but glance over at Zach while he drives us out of the neighborhood. I notice how his body is tense and that he's gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles are white, a telling sign that he's equally as anxious as I am. My hands feel clammy and my heart is racing as I think about the conversation that we are about to finally have. I give a silent prayer that I remain strong enough to get through it without breaking down.

I stare out the window watching the fields and country life fly past us. My memories feel like the weighted words of someone I thought I once knew. I have discovered, in the most sardonic way, that I, in fact, do not know what it feels like now. What it feels like now in comparison to how it felt then. Scenes replay like the surface of a broken record spinning sluggishly, permanently tracing along the inside of my mind.

I remember all too well the way it felt to share a locker with him, balancing tri-colored notebooks alongside mine. Shuffling to class together after spending too long lingering with playful conversation. Those memories now feel like the weathered edges of a polaroid. The truth of the matter is simple, neither of us really know the other anymore. Since that one evening three years ago, we haven't truly spoken.

Zach pulls over into a parking lot that over looks a local lake. He shuts the car off and starts fidgeting with his keys. "I think the picnic table over there would be a good spot. What do you think?" I can tell he's nervous to.

I take a deep breath. "yeah, sounds great." I shakily get out of the car and follow him to the nearby picnic table that was secluded enough to provide privacy. We sit on opposite sides of one another and I can't help but pick at loose pieces of wood on the table.

Not exactly ready to look up and face this I gather some internal strength, "So, where should we start?"

"Well, I think we should go back to the beginning."

A bit surprised, I look up, "You think our issues go back that far?".

"Stella, they definitely go back that far."

I didn't think our problems went back that far. I genuinely thought our relationship was solid until three years ago.

***

I can see the confusion cross her face. I take a drink of water from my water bottle to give me a moment to gather my thoughts, swallowing hard I start from the beginning.

"It was the first day of school in fourth grade, we had all just found our seats and in walks this girl with big brown pigtails with a neon blue shirt that nobody had ever seen before. The teacher tells us that this girl had just moved to town and that everyone should introduce themselves." I take another swig of water.

"At recess that day, I went to go say hi, and I tripped over my shoelaces. You helped me up and asked me if I was okay. While everyone else laughed, you were concerned about the scrape on my elbow."

"I can't believe you remember that."

"From that point on, I had an insane crush that I didn't understand and we became inseparable friends." I gave her a few minutes to let her digest what I had said so far before I continued.

"As we got older, I didn't get the vibe that you shared the same crush that I did. So I tried to date a few different girls. Unsuccessfully, but I tried. I had to watch you try to date a few guys, also unsuccessfully, which killed me from the inside out. I know we were so young, but I knew even back than that we were running away from each other. However, things changed during the summer before we started High School, you got brave enough to set the record straight and to tell me that you did in fact have romantic feelings for me. I think that may be one of my top five moments of my life."

I wait to see if she if she wants to say anything. She doesn't.

I look out at the lake and do my best to calm my racing heart.

"Our first date was the highlight of that summer. You were beautiful and I was awkward. You were so confident and I was terrified. This basically sums up the whole romantic relationship we shared for over a year. You knowing exactly what you wanted and me not having a clue about really anything." I look up from my hands to see tears silently falling down her cheeks. "Do you want me to continue?"

She took a swallow of some water and nods her head. "Yes, please."

"We can basically fast forward to the party where everything crumbled to pieces. It was the first party that I attended that had alcohol present. You weren't able to convince your parents to let you go, so I was just hanging with the guys. Before I know it my head is spinning and I end up on the dance floor with everyone."

"I don't exactly recall how it all went down, but I remember thinking to myself that when the time came for you and I to be intimate, I didn't want to let you down. I wanted to ensure that I knew all there was to know. It was amongst those thoughts that I remember having that girls lips on mine and her body pressed up against me. I knew it was wrong. I knew I needed to stop it. As soon as I tried to escape, I ended up the stairs and inside a bedroom with her."

"Please.. you don't need to..." Stella was silently crying across from me at this point.

I grip the ledge of the table until my fingers hurt. "I need to get this out. You need to hear all of this."

"When the door flew open to the bedroom, the last person I expected to see was you. I was so drunk off my first beers that I didn't even comprehend the situation. It wasn't until I was at Brandon's later that night puking my guts up that everything came full circle in my head. The next morning, you wouldn't take my calls. I couldn't find you anywhere to try to explain what had happened. It was like you vanished."

"Not that I blamed you one bit. The reality of it all was that I seriously messed up and it cost me the best thing in my life and I had no idea how to go about fixing it."

I could physically see the pain on her face as I tell her my side of things.

"The week after, I wasn't expecting you to show up at my baseball game. It was going to be the first one I wasn't going to see you in the stands. I was a mess."

I make a conscious effort to not reach over the table and wipe her tears.

I push myself to continue.

"I went to my car to gather my thoughts and try to get my head in the game. That same girl from the party climbed into the passenger seat before I could even lock the doors."

I decide to spare her of the conversation details.

"What you saw was her kissing me before I had a chance to push her away. That's the honest truth of it. I don't even know her name. I later found out that she's the cousin of one of the guys on the team."

***

They say that knowledge is power, but right now I feel powerless. I know I won't be able to stop crying at this point. I feel every slice and tear of my heartache bleeding out through each tear.

"Zach, I want to move forward. For that to happen, I need you to understand that you hurt me. You shattered my heart until I couldn't tell what mine was and what was dust. I've still yet to piece myself back together all the way." I choke a bit on my words.

"For months I was numb to the world. Everyone kept telling me I was so strong, but every part of me was broken on the inside."

I wept into my hands while the imprints of the feelings blast through me as I describe them. I know I need to get this out just as much as he needed to explain. I suck in some air and look up to see Zach silently crying as well.

"Zach, you were my reason for wishing on shooting stars. You were center stage of practically all my dreams. I understand that we vanished equally from each other's lives, but I couldn't physically handle being around you. I would wake up every morning numb and hollow and go about my days and wait for the moment I could go back to sleep. Sleep was my escape. It still hurts."

I barely get the rest out before he's around the picnic table and engulfing me in an airtight hug. We both sit like that holding on to one another for a while as we cry out all the hurt.