Is This Our Second Chance

Chapter 10

Its Christmas Eve and I find myself sitting on a park swing bundled up like an Eskimo to protect myself from the bite of the December wind. I just can't believe how fast the last few months have just flown by. Taking a swig out of the flask from my pocket, I can't help but think how fast things have changed.

Another notification sounds from my pocket. I pull out and shut my phone off so I can actually do some thinking.

Christmas is supposed to be a time of magic, happy families, family gatherings in restaurants, and pictures of togetherness everywhere. For some, the happiness comes naturally and the family time is cherished. For my family, the holidays become agonizing. The fighting gets worse, the yelling gets louder, and the stress bubbles over to where everyone starts to lash out. I look up at the sky and try to remember a time when things were simple, happy even.

I take a couple more swigs from the flask and let the warmth from the alcohol spread through me like a fire raging on. Things haven't been happy around the holidays since my grandmother passed away.

The swing next to me gives a punishing noise as an occupant sits down. I don't need to look up to see that Zach was the occupant. That he has found me.

"You want to talk about it?" I don't bother to look at him. Instead, I take another gulp from the flask.

"Not particularly".

"How about I make you a deal? You hand me the flask and I won't ask any questions." His voice is gentle like velvet as he speaks but I see the worry in his eyes.

Guilt splashes through me in waves as I realize I could have coped in a more healthy way than drinking. However, self destructing comes to me like an old friend with a hug. I hand the flask over without meeting his eyes and just stare out at the fields in the distant.

We sit like that for a while, just letting the sounds of the world swirl around us. I rub my hands together to get some warmth back into them.

"Do you want to go for a drive?" Zach speaks with a calmness that immediately starts to put me at ease.

"I think that's a good idea." He helps me down from the swing and I sway a bit from the alcohol. Once in the car I lean my head against the window to feel the cool glass.

I'm so lost in thought that I haven't been paying attention to where Zach was taking me. Realizing my surroundings, I start to panic.

"Why did you bring me here?" He hits the locks on the door just as I'm about to flee.

"You need to face the root cause of your drinking." Zach unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to face me. "It's okay to be angry with her for leaving you and Carly. It's okay to be angry at me. It's not okay to continue to be this self destructive. Let me help you face this."

I look out at the cemetery feel like I'm going to be sick. My palms get sweaty and I start to feel a panic attack coming on. "Please get me out of here." I whisper in his direction.

"No, Stella, you need to face this." He hates seeing her in this state. He also knows that she isn't going to move past some of this until she comes to grips with the rest of her hurt.

"Please don't make me go out there." I'm so numb and hollow that I can't even bring myself to cry.

"I'll be right beside you." He gets out of the car and walks around to open my door for me. I didn't move. "Stella, you need this. You can't heal properly until you go through this."

He was right, of course I know he is. That doesn't mean I have to like it or accept it. It was useless to fight this any longer. I force myself out of the car and allow him to pull me along through the rows of head stones. When we stop, I still can't bring myself to feel anything or to look at anything but my boots.