Unequivocally Confused

Questions

"You."

I stared right back at Sutton after hearing her confession. My mind is going one hundred miles per hour. Sutton likes me? Like, like likes me. I didn't even know she was into girls. Does she thinks I'm into girls? Am I into girls? I never really thought about it. In fact, I haven't really thought about anybody in a romantic way. I tried feeling that way with Ben, but I never had that feeling that movies and books tell you that you are supposed to have. The spark.

What even is that feeling? I know what love from a family is like, but surely, love from a significant other must feel very different. People say, love makes you do crazy things. I'm not sure I would like that. I'm a very calculated person and I don't like surprises. The death of my mother only fed into my distrust of spontaneity. I like to be in control of the situation I am in, but right now, I have no idea what to do.

"Harper, are you okay?" Dylan asks as she comes up to me in her tiara. Sutton looks uncomfortable, no doubt of my reaction to her confession.

"I....uh, yeah. I'm alright." I answer sheepishly as my brain is still clouded with millions of thoughts. Dylan looks at me with an unsure look on her face and looks at Sutton, trying to read the situation.

"Are you about ready to go? We have practice tomorrow and I'm dying to get out of this dress." I nod my head and glance back at Sutton. Her face is pale and she looks defeated. I give her a small smile and leave the gym with Dylan.

Blake was going to a party with one of his friends after the dance and that isn't really Dylan's scene so I agreed to give her a ride home. After I dropped Dylan off, I drove home and it seems like everybody is asleep. I head downstairs and take off my dress and jump in the shower to wash the night away, and it might help me with my thoughts. I try to focus on the water cascading down my body and the stress leaving my muscles from the warmth. But soon enough, my thoughts come rushing back inside of my head.

What do I do?

I have known Sutton for a long time, but I haven't gotten very close with her. I hardly know anything about her other than she is smart, plays softball and the clarinet, and has a younger brother. Maybe I should try to get to know her more. But would that lead her on? I don't want to do that because it could end up hurting her. That's the last thing I want to do.

I've never even thought of myself with a woman before. I'm not against it and everything is worth a try. But what if I don't end up feeling the same way? But what if I do? This is our senior year and I already have enough decisions to make by the end of the school year.

I was too into my thoughts to realize that the hot water has now turned cold. I quickly turned off the shower, got out and dried off. I put one a big t-shirt and some pajama shorts and crawl into bed with my phone in hand. I think about texting Dylan and tell her what happened, but she had such a great night I didn't want to bother her. I scroll through my phone messages and realize that our softball team chat conversation was right below Dylan's name and my eyes fixated on Sutton's name.

I hit the button to start a new conversation and type in Sutton's name in the recipients line. My fingers hover over the keyboard, trying to figure out what to say. I hated that I left when I did. I should've had the courage to at least say something. My fingers started moving by themselves and before I knew it, I hit the send button.

Me: I would like to talk about tonight. Do you have any plans before practice tomorrow?

My heart is pounding and I have no idea why. I have texted Sutton before and I have never felt like this. Almost immediately, I see three dots on my phone, indicating that Sutton is replying.

Sutton: I have to catch up on some homework, but maybe after practice?

Me: Sure, sounds good. Wanna meet up at the diner for dinner?