Only one true love

Part 2: Chapter 6

When I came home after I heard Loki say he loved me, I couldn't stop thinking about it for two weeks. I didn't know how I felt about him yet. This relationship was going too fast. I liked him, yes, but did I love him? I didn't know. How could I know if I loved him? What really is love? 'I know what love is,' I thought, 'I have been in love before.' And then it struck me, and I remembered what I felt when I was with Bucky, and I answered my own questions. When you love someone, you want to be with that person for the rest of your life. You accept all their flaws, they're your best friend and your partner, your family. You can be yourself with them. If they love you, they will accept you the way you are, you don't need to change for them. You can be entirely honest with them. But most importantly, you want them to be happy and would do anything for them.

'Am I in love with him?' I asked myself. Before I could answer my question, there was a knock on the door. I went to open, still thinking about the question. 

"Hey," the man at the door said. 

"Loki! Wha- what are you doing here?" I asked, shocked.

"I missed you, and I wanted to see you," he smiled, "Can I come in?"

"I- No, you can't come in, sorry."

"Why not?" it was his turn to be shocked now.

"I need to figure everything out, I'm sorry."

"Ok. Ok. Then I won't bother you," he said, disappointed, "I'll be back in two weeks so we can talk about it, ok?"

"Yes", I said, "Goodbye".

"Goodbye," he said, sadly, and left. I closed the door behind him and thought about the question again.

'Do I love him?' I asked myself again. Then I compared how I felt with Bucky to how I feel with Loki. 'Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?' I thought about it a lot and the answer is no. 'Do I accept all his flaws?' a voice in my head answered: 'Most of them.' 'Is he my best friend? Yes. My partner? I think so. My family? I don't think so.' 'Can I be myself with him? I'm myself with everyone, so, yes.' 'Do I need to change for him? No, no, no, no, no, do I want to change for him? No, I don't. Can I be completely honest with him? Nope. Do I want him to be happy? Of course, I want everybody to be happy.' And the big question: 'Would I do anything for him?' I thought about this one a lot, and my final question is 'no'. 'So, am I in love with him? No'. 

And just like that, another two weeks passed. Loki came at the same time as the last time. I opened the door and let him in. 

"So? Did you figure everything out?" Loki asked, a little annoyed.

"Yes, I did," I said.

"And?" he asked, "What did you figure out?"

"I'm sorry but..." I looked him in the eyes, "I'm not in love with you".

There was a long pause.

"You're- you're not in love with me?" he asked, a bit shocked. That was weird because I thought he would be more shocked.

"No, I'm sorry".

"Great. Great! I spent four weeks waiting for you to 'gather your thoughts' or whatever and now, and now I come to you, and you say you don't love me? YOU COULD'VE SAID THAT TO ME FOUR WEEKS AGO!" he started shouting.

"I didn't know then! I needed to make sure!" I said, on the edge of exploding.   

"YOU NEEDED TO MAKE SURE, HA?! DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT HOW I FELT WHILE YOU WERE 'MAKING SURE'?!" he was shouting, his face distorted with rage, "I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD LOVE ME! I MISSED YOU! I-" I exploded: "YOU THINK I DIDN'T CARE HOW YOU WERE FEELING?! I FELT TERRIBLE BECAUSE I KNOW IT IS HARD WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU THEY DON'T LOVE YOU, OK? AND NOW YOU CAME HERE AND STARTED LECTURING ME ABOUT HOW HARD IT WAS TO WAIT FOR FOUR WEEKS! JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF, AND THINK HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME WHEN BUCKY WENT INTO THE ARMY! I DIDN'T SEE HIM FOR A YEAR! AND THEN WHEN STEVE TOLD ME HE WAS CAPTURED?! HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT?! CALM?! NO! I WAS SCARED AND WANTED TO GO THERE AND KILL EVERYONE WITH MY BARE HANDS! AND WHEN STEVE WENT TO SAVE HIM, I NEEDED TO WAIT! I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING! JUST TO WAIT, HOPING THEY WOULD BOTH COME BACK, ALIVE! I WAS ANXIOUS! AND WHEN THEY CAME BACK, I SPENT NOT EVEN TWO WEEKS WITH HIM BEFORE THEY NEEDED TO GO BACK TO DESTROY THE BASE! BUCKY SAID IT WASN'T DANGEROUS, AND I BELIEVED HIM! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME BACK AFTER A FEW DAYS SO WE COULD LIVE TOGETHER, HAPPY! HE EVEN TOLD ME HE WOULD MARRY ME WHEN HE COMES BACK! WE COULD HAVE HAD KIDS! AND THEN HE WENT ON THAT BOAT AGAIN AND I WAS ALONE AGAIN! BUT THEN, A WEEK AFTER, NEITHER BUCKY NOR STEVE CAME, BUT PEGGY! SHE TOLD ME THEY WERE DEAD! IMAGINE THAT! THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND BEST FRIEND, DEAD! YOU CAN'T IMAGINE SADNESS OR THE PAIN! BUT NOOO, IT WAS HARD FOR YOU TO WAIT FOR FOUR FREAKING WEEKS TO SEE IF I LOVED YOU!"

When I finished, I was breathing heavily. But I also felt the weight came off my chest. Loki was staring at me, shocked and scared. I didn't shout at anyone like that for my whole life. And what was worse, I wasn't even sorry. 

I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me?" he asked after a few minutes. He came closer. I ignored his question. 

"I would've helped you," he said and came to me like he wanted to hug me. I went to the other side of the room, not wanting his hug, still ignoring him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. 

"I don't want you here," I said, my back turned to him.

"Ok," he said, "I'll come to see you tomorrow."

"No, I don't want you here anymore," I said, my back still turned towards him.

"Wha-What?" I could hear in his voice that he was

confused, "Y- you want to break up?"

"Yes," I said, turning to look at him. I could see he was hurt and sad.

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything. Just go. You know where the door is."

"Goodbye," he turned around and left. I leaned on the wall and slid to the floor. I let the tears that I've been holding back for a long time run down my face.