Josephine

𝓔𝓹𝓲𝓼𝓸𝓭𝓮 101: 𝓖𝓪𝓼𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓕𝓸𝓻 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓮𝓭𝓸𝓶

December 16, 2016

Vienna, Großgermanisches Vereinigtes Königreich

Time goes so slowly now. So... very... slow...

Minutes become hours.

Hours turn into days.

Days into weeks.

You get the idea. I'm exhausted now. I've been back in Vienna since October and I feel like I'm not doing that great. Abdication is at the forefront of my mind. But I still feel like I'm holding back. Abandoning America, Germany and all the others who look up to me.

Abandoning Junior, Victoria, John Charles... Mattéo... Lily... Sophie...

I'm more wired and I'm making questionable decisions. I'm not doing a good job. I haven't been this stressed out since my early twenties...

And we all saw how that turned out.

I don't want to go to that dark place again.

I can't.

I need someone to talk to, but I don't have anyone. John Charles has been training for the throne since last year. Victoria and I's relationship is a bit rocky since I gave the 'shoot to kill' order on Hamilton.

Junior isn't around much, as she is in Tejas with Fabien and Lucas.

Mattéo worries about me too much so I don't want him fawning over me and my emotions. I don't need therapy again, that's for sure.

Speaking of Hamilton, he's still on the run on the Appalachian Trail, though the IBI has narrowed him down to somewhere between Virginia and Pennsylvania. That's still a massive area. He's been stalking me too. Giving me taunting phone messages, telling me that I'll never find him until it's too late. Terrifying enough, there is word that he is building an army to resist until the bitter end. I guess not everybody hates that man.

Since I needed to vent to someone, and nobody in this palace would suffice, I chose to go somewhere where I know somebody would listen unconditionally, without interrupting.

The palace church.

I don't often speak to God, but on select occasions I would. If I felt alone or silenced, I knew he was there.

I walked down the aisle between the dozens of pews. The only sound filling the air were that of my shoes, clicking on the stone floor. I walked further and further down the aisle until I reached the front row. I stepped inside, pulled out the hassock and kneeled down.

I took a deep breath, did the sign of the cross and began to talk.

"Hey there God... it's... been a long time hasn't it?"

"I don't know when the last time I spoke to you was, but I feel like I need to. I've felt alone for a while now. I'm tired, stressed and in need of your guidance,"

The room remained silent, but now I was just venting.

"What do I do? I want to abdicate, but I don't want to look weak. I'll be the first in American history to abdicate the throne instead of dying on it... but the thing is... I don't want to die on the throne,"

"I want to live out my days in peace, with Mattéo by my side, as normal people. I remember visiting his family when we were on our honeymoon... It was exhilarating, relaxing, being treated like a normal, living breathing person..."

"I think... I think I'm finally ready to take a break and let someone else do what I've been doing for half a century... is that selfish?"

I sighed and looked across the altar. I've been doing this for so long and I just want it to end...

"What do you think? Would it be selfish to do this? Would I be deemed as selfish by my people, the ones who I swore to protect?"

"Would they see me as giving up on them? Not staying by their side until I took my last breath? Would I be sent to the deepest pits of hell for doing it? These are the things I fear Lord,"

"I also fear going to hell for the crimes I've committed in my youth... Rome, the Civil War, and the terrible decisions I have made... are those fears reasonable?"

"All I wanted was to protect my brother's legacy and I hope that is respectable..."

I looked around the room and a sense of calming came over me.

"Thank you for listening..."

I did the sign of the cross again, stood up and left the church. I felt more uplifted and relieved now that I had let all of that off of my chest.

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December 28, 2016

Things have gone smoother, but I am still exhausted as the days pass on. Time still goes slowly, but it goes on. I tried to host a summit to create a peace deal with the Soviets and Chinese, but as usual, they refused.

I don't get why they choose to aimlessly spill blood, but I guess I wondered the same thing about the Canadian rebels back in the 70s. These savages are so determined to fight and die for a lost cause that they are blinded from the obvious truth. That truth being that they are losing the war.

I still am contemplating abdicating, though I continue to put it off. When I get back to America I will discuss it with Mattéo. Hear his thoughts again. Perhaps he'll be more open to the idea.

Yes, I must discuss it with him, he'll understand, but not until I get back. Yes, but for now I must get back to work...

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January 1, 2017

It's a new year. I'm still in Vienna, until the end of February. This new year will bring much to the royal family. Freedom, a chance in leadership, and a new age. The Josephinian Era as it was popularly known would come to a gentle close.

John Charles would steer the empire forward, he knew what he was doing. After all, he had made decent strides already, passing my desired laws while I was in Vienna. I had all the confidence in the world that he would be a bold, powerful and loveable sovereign.

The people already loved him, and I knew he wouldn't disappoint. In some of my spare time I've thought about how Mattéo and I will live upon my inevitable abdication. I don't want to stay in the palace, but I do not know where to go. Well I still have plenty of time to think...

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February 11, 2017

It is getting closer to the time I leave Vienna. This will be the last time I am in Vienna. I'm sorry Konrad, but this will not work... John Charles might have better luck with this, but I am just too old. I hate to admit it, but I am. There is no avoiding this fact... I cannot rule two empires at once. It is simply impossible.

I have planned a spring offensive to finish off the Russians, which will be launched in late April or early May. It must be done, but I will not be there to see it happen. Goodbye Vienna, it was... interesting my time here, but I know I must return home. To my friends, family and people. The people I truly meant to serve.

Goodbye Vienna...

Well...

It is time to face the music...